By BRUCE LOWITT
President Donald Trump signed an Executive Order Thursday doing away with the Third Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “From now on,” he said, “Americans will have to welcome into their home as roommates any soldiers who have come to intimidate them into obeisance.”
His order, he said, “will save millions of lives and potentially billions of dollars by reducing the threat of crime, which is out of control in certain states that I could name but I won’t, and, at the same time, enabling me to send one or more members of the National Guard, the Army Reserves or the Marines anywhere in the country without having to house or feed them.”
The Third Amendment states in its entirety, “No soldier in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in a time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.” It was ratified in 1791 as a response to the British quartering troops in colonists’ homes during the American Revolution.
“That’s bullshit,” Trump said. “If people aren’t patriotic enough to want to give good American-manufactured food to a hungry soldier and give them a place to sleep and maybe take their daughter to the movies or out for a weekend of fun, obviously they don’t deserve to live in this great country and I’ll make sure they’re deported to some shithole country.”
Trump said he is sending troops to New York City, Boston, San Francisco, Chicago, Masouleh, Iran; Al-Hawash, Syria; and Moustiers-Sainte-Marie, France, “all places where I hear crime is rampant. If the mayors of those cities think I can’t enforce the peace, I’ll be glad to bomb the shit out of them until they change their mind.”
The president didn’t say how homeowners would be reimbursed for the cost of feeding and housing soldiers, except to say “whatever it costs, they’ll make up for it with the money that’s going to pour in from my brilliant tariffs, and maybe from some of the things my senators and congressmen said they think is in that big beautiful bill I signed and that I’ve promised to have someone who’s read it explain it to me.”
Several senators said they heard the president railing about the stolen 2020 elction and how he was going to get even with the blue states that voted against him in 2024 by replacing their police, sheriffs and highway patrol officers with agents of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and arm them with bunker busters.
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-NY, told CNN news host Jake Tapper: “Trump screamed at me last week that he wished he could just bomb the shit out of the Bronx. I told him I was born in the Bronx and if he tries it, there are a lot of people there who would happily do the same to Mar-a-Lago in a heartbeat.”
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Meanwhile, a federal judge ruled Trump’s move was illegal. “Fuck you,” Trump told the judge, as instructed by recently robed federal appeals court Judge Emil Bove, who abuses the privilege of being ugly.
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