Just a few distractions

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of a meeting involving President Donald Trump and several members of his administration. The recording was provided by a White House occupant on condition of anonymity who said she is “fed up with having to constantly pick up discarded hamburger wrappers between our bedrooms every morning.”

President Donald Trump: “… don’t give a fuck about what they’re called – Indians, Redskins, Native Americans, whatever.”
Vice President JD Vance: “Then why …?”
Trump: “It’s my latest distraction.”
Vance: “Huh?”
Trump: “Listen, my bearded brainiac sidekick. When shit starts piling up against me, like Epstein, I change the focus of the media and the millions of supporters turning against me by throwing out something ridiculous to divert their attention.”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio: “You mean like Greenland?”
Trump: “Exactly! World’s biggest island. Fucking frozen wasteland, you ask me. Back in 2019, when I first brought it up, we were in a trade war with China and our economy was starting to suck. The fucking press was on my case. Then I said I wanted Greenland and half the world went apeshit.”
Rubio: “Well, that was one great stunt, but I don’t remember …”
Trump: “Marco …”
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth: “Polo!”
Attorney General Pam Bondi: “Oh, Pete, you’re hyster-…”
Trump: “Shut the fuck up, both of you. Why do I even …”
FBI Director Kash Patel: “Hey Marco, I remember one of those distractions. Hunter Biden. Right, Mr. President? The laptop, and the drugs and hookers and …”
Trump: “Very good. That’s how we …”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem: “And the big parade with tanks on your birthday?”
Trump: “That was also Flag Day and …”
Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick: “And announcing all those tariffs on ‘Liberation Day’ that tanked the stock markets.”
Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard: “And speaking of everyone wanting the release of the Epstein file, Mr. President, you released instead the declassified assassination files of JFK, RFK and MLK. Brilliant!”
Hegseth: “And bombing Iran …”
Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum: “And sending the National Guard and Marines to California …”
Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent: “Not to mention your big beautiful bill that just might bankr-…”
Trump: “That’s not my bill. Blame Thune and Johnson for that. If I …”
Patel: “And when you called some places in Africa ‘shithole countries’? That was cool.”
CIA Director John Ratcliffe: “And speaking about reopening Alcatraz? Talk about a shithole.”
Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins: “And threatening to fire Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell? And to take away Rosie O’Donnell’s citizenship? God, I loved that one.”
Trump: “Um, yeah. Well, I …”
Patel: “Ooh, ooh. And how you said you believed Putin over the conclusions of our own intelligence agencies at that Helsinki summit?”
Trump: “I was …”
Deputy FBI Director Dan Bongino: “And how you let your former campaign chairman Paul Manafort go down on all sorts of tax fraud, and your buddy Michael Cohen went to jail over your thing with Stormy Daniels?”
Trump: “Now hold on. I didn’t have anything to do with …”
Bongino: “And letting the Border Patrol tear gas Central American migrants and their kids, and …”
Trump: “Stop it. Quiet! We’re not getting anywhere with this. If I say Washington’s football team should still be the Redskins, and I say I’m going to hold up their deal for a new stadium if they don’t …”
Hegseth: “Hey, when can we start joyriding on that new plane from Guitar?”
Trump: “Where’s my head of the Joint Chiefs?”
(Sound of a cellphone being turned on)
(Beep, beep, boop, beep, boop)
Trump: “General Caine, please. … Dan, can you bring me the gold-plated AR-15 that Bolsinaro just sent me?”
Vance: “Holy fuck!”
(Sound of dozens of footsteps running and doors slamming shut)
(Recording ends)