Trump: Thumbs Down

By BRUCE LOWITT

President Donald Trump, thrilled by the response of his army of knuckle-dragging mouth breathers to the announcement that he will stage a UFC fight on the White House grounds during the 2026 celebration of the 250^th anniversary of the United States, said he will expand the event to include additional activities, “including a Demolition Derby.”

Trump said the exhibition of vehicular destruction will be limited to what he called “those fucking shitboxes,” namely Tesla cars and trucks. “They shouldn’t even be allowed on the public streets,” he said.

“Besides being the ugliest things on four wheels, they’re death traps, which is why Pete Hegseth will be driving my red Tesla in the Demo Derby,” Trump added. “I’ve never seen my so-called defense guy drive sober. Should make for added fun.”

At the suggestion of White House resident vampire and Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen “Voldemort” Miller, Trump wants to “revive some long-ago sports,” Miller said, “stuff I’ve only seen in the movies but which I’m sure will be a big hit with the president’s millions of fans.”

That includes gutting the nearby William Jefferson Clinton Federal Building on Pennsylvania Avenue, now home to the Environmental Protection Agency (“which we don’t need anymore,” Trump said) and recreating a Colosseum similar to the one in Rome in order to stage damnatio ad bestias.

“The only difference,” Miller said, “is that instead of throwing Christians to the lions, we’ll be throwing illegals. Did anyone else see Quo Vadis? If you thought Peter Ustinov was great as Emperor Nero, wait’ll you see how the president does ‘thumbs down.’”

Also, Miller said, the iconic 125-foot-by-60-foot Rose Garden bordering the West Wing of the White House will be dug up and paved over, with seating added along both sides, to stage swordfights, with the loser – i.e., dead duelist – replaced in Congress.

“Because the president has more important things on his mind, like big beautiful tariffs and bombing recalcitrant countries,” Miller said, “I’ll be selecting the competitors from among those Republicans insufficiently supportive of his programs.”