Courting the citizenry

By BRUCE LOWITT

(Partial transcript of the Supreme Court hearing broadcast on National Public Radio on two related portions of birthright citizenship cases – whether a federal judge has the power to block President Donald Trump’s executive order ending it, and whether a district court judge’s ruling could be enforced anywhere in the United States, a so-called nationwide injunction. U.S. Solicitor General D. John Sauer spoke for the government; New Jersey Solicitor General Jeremy Feigenbaum represented the states challenging Trump’s executive order.)

Chief Justice John Roberts: “Any questions? No? Okay, I’ve got a 10 o’clock tee time, so …”
Associate Justice Samuel Alito: “Not guilty!”
Roberts: “What?”
Alito: “It’s about Trump, right? He’s never guilty. So, not guilty.“
Roberts: “Whoa! Slow down, Sammy.”
Associate Justice Clarence Thomas: “I have a question. Mr. Sauer, where’s my yacht? I was supposed to get …”

U.S. Solicitor General D. John Sauer: (Loud, persistent, and obviously fake, coughing)
Roberts: “Holy crap, Clarence!”
Thomas: “What? A promise is a promise and Bondi and Noem and that wormbrain at …”
Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh: “Take it easy, Thurgood. Here, have a beer.”
Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor: “Thurgood? Ha! Good line, Brett. Clarence couldn’t shine Marshall’s shoes.”
Roberts: “Look, can we …”
Kavanaugh: “I have a serious question about the nationwide injunction. Mr. Sauer, on the day after it goes into effect – this is just a very practical question about how it’s going to work – what do hospitals do with a newborn? What do states do with a newborn?”
Sauer: “Federal officials do not accept documents that have the wrong designation of citizenship. … The federal officials will have to figure that out. … They could require a showing of documentation showing legal presence in the country. For a temporary visitor they could see whether there ought to be one visa which would exclude that kind of birthright citizenship.”
Kavanaugh: “For all the newborns? Is that how it’s going to work?”
Sauer: “How the fuck should I know? I’m a lawyer, not an obstetrician!”
Associate Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson; “Your argument seems to turn our justice system, in my view at least, into a catch-me-if-you-can kind of regime …”
Kavanaugh: “Oh, man. I loved that movie. Leonardo DiCaprio as a doctor, a lawyer, a …”
Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett: “… And Tom Hanks is hot on his trail.”
Kavanaugh: “And Amy Adams. Talk about hot. Hey, Justice ACB, did anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Amy Adams? Can I interest you in …”
Barrett: “No, and don’t even think about it.”
Brown: “Cut it out, Brett. Mr. Sauer, it sounds like you’re arguing that everybody has to have a lawyer and file a lawsuit in order for the government to stop violating people’s rights. … Your argument seems to say ‘We get to keep on doing it until everybody who is potentially harmed by it figures out a way to file a lawsuit, hire a lawyer, etc.’ I don’t understand how that is remotely consistent with the rule of law.”
Sauer: “It’s not. We’re just trying to clog up the courts so badly that nothing get done and we can fuck around with the rest of the Constitution until only President Trump can decide what’s legal and who lives here.”
Roberts: “Uh, thank you, Mr. Sauer. … Moving right along … Mr. Feigenbaum?”
New Jersey Solicitor General Jeremy Feigenbaum: “The post-Civil War nation wrote into our Constitution that citizens of the United States and of the states would be one and the same without variation across state lines. However, since at least the nineteen-eighties, New York State and, more specifically, New York City have been attempting to invalidate Donald Trump’s citizenship. And for the same forty-something years, since he bought Mar-a-Lago, the state of Florida and the city of Palm Beach have been trying to do the same. I’m sure that fat-assed narcissist believes non-citizens can’t sue the federal government. To quote him from his conversation the other day on Air Force One, ‘Fuck ’em.’ But I say non-citizens, especially newborns, deserve justice. Thank you.”
Associate Justice Elena Kagan: “Good point, Jeremy. You got my vote. Everyone? Hands? One, two, three, four, five … That seals it. I move to adjourn.”
Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: “I second the motion.”
Roberts: “Nice. Done. Court is adjourned.”
(Sound of stampeding footsteps)
Roberts: “Hey, Clarence. I need a ride to Trump National if I’m going to make my tee time. You still have Harlan Crow’s Rolls?”
(Recording ends)