Rose is risen

By BRUCE LOWITT

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred’s decision to reinstate the Hall of Fame candidacy of Pete Rose and other deceased major leaguers has caused what the late Bart Giamatti called from the afterlife “a shitstorm of disagreements up here and, I imagine, down there as well.”

Rose, the majors’ all-time hits leader, agreed in 1989 to be placed on the “permanently ineligible” list for allegedly betting on baseball – which he admitted to in his 2004 autobiography – and died last September at age 83.

“Obviously, a person no longer with us cannot represent a threat to the integrity of the game. … Therefore, I have concluded that permanent ineligibility ends upon the passing of the disciplined individual,” Manfred wrote to Rose’s attorney, who is not dead yet.

“Besides, Bud Selig (who preceded Manfred as commissioner) told me when I took office, ‘No freaking way does Rose ever get into the Hall,’ and I said, ‘I’ll take that bet,’” Mandred said, adding, “Sucker!”

Rose reportedly collected on a bet Thursday from Giamatti, who had announced Rose’s lifetime ban just days before dying of a heart attack on September 1, 1989, at age 51, only five months after becoming commissioner.

“He said I’d never make it to the Hall of Fame,” Rose said. “Well, I guess I got the last laugh – but I gotta tell you, I never expected that Cooperstown would be so damned hot. Also, did you know Hitler and Mussolini are baseball fans?”

Giamatti said arguments broke out the moment Manfred granted eligibility to Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and fourteen other players, half of them members of the Chicago “Black Sox” who threw the 1919 World Series.

“Hey, wait a minute,” said the late Ty Cobb, an inaugural Hall-of-Famer in 1936. “Swede Risberg played four years and batted .243 before getting banned and he’s eligible? I played 24 seasons, won 12 batting titles, my .367 career average was the big-league record until that fucking (other expletive deleted) Josh Gibson’s .371 and the rest of the (expletive deleted) League’s records were combined with ours last year. Well, fuck you, Mr. Liberal Snowflake DEI Commissioner. I guess any fucking player can get in now.”

The reinstated dead players aren’t actually in the Hall yet. A special committee of living baseball people would have to vote them onto the ballot in December 2027.

Meanwhile, the late Jackie Robinson immediately demanded that Manfred also “throw a bunch of Hall of Famers out on their collective asses, starting with (Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain) Landis. That cracker spent twenty-four years preventing the integration of baseball.”

Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and other living potential future candidates are already complaining about Manfred’s decision.

“Just because I haven’t died yet, why should that keep me out,” said Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner. “What do I have to do, kill myself?”

That caught the attention of the late catcher Ernie Lombardi.

“I tried to commit suicide by cutting my throat six years after I retired, failed at it, died twenty-four years later and was inducted posthumously into the Hall nine years after that,” Lombardi said.

“Now I’ve caught Young, caught Seaver and Drysdale and Feller and Spahn and God knows how many other great pitchers, and I’d like to catch Clemens some day,” Lombardi added. “I didn’t succeed when I tried to kill myself but, pardon the expression, what the hell? Maybe Roger should, pardon the expression, give it a shot.”