Poll-axed

By BRUCE LOWITT

The 100th day of Donald Trump's second presidency ends Tuesday, and multiple polls on his performance show his approval ratings on the economy, immigration and numerous other policies sliding below that of gangrene, gonorrhea and Elon Musk.

Trump's approval rating was at 6% when voters were asked, “Who would you want to manage the American economy?”, trailing Bernie Madoff (34%), Sam Bankman-Fried (22%), Enron (18%), Elizabeth Holmes (12%), and Charles Ponzi (8%).

“I know Madoff's dead,” said Kay Zepeski, a pharmacist in Dubuque, Iowa, “but I'd still have more faith in him not screwing me than I do Trump. But if I was Ivanka or one of Trump's sons, meaning the one he actually likes, or if I had some sort of blackmail shit on him, then I'd be forking over my grandchildren's inheritance to him, making a quick few million, and dealing with my conscience later.”

Also, 97 percent of stockbrokers asked about his handling of the economy said they support Trump because, as Robert Sharpe, president and CEO of investment management firm T. Rowe Price, put it, “We make money on every trade no matter which way the market's going. All of this back-and-forth and back-and-forth has been a gold mine for us!”

On immigration, Trump took office on Jan. 20 with a favorable rating of 56% compared with an unfavorable 31% and 13% no opinion. As of April 27, the president's approval rating on immigration was 9% while 52% of the voters said he should be deported to El Salvador's Terrorism Confinement Center (CECOT), 27% said shipped off to Alcatraz, and 12% said “buried alive next to Ivana at his Bedminster golf course.”

The Ipsos-Factos consulting firm asked a cross-section of Americans who had voted for Trump: If you could change your 2024 vote for president, knowing what you know now, who would you vote for?

41% said Kamala Harris
19% said Hillary Clinton
16% said Melania Trump
9% said George Santos
7% said Robert Menendez
5% said the Menendez Brothers
3% said Jeffrey Epstein

Additionally, 83% of grammarians responded, “It's whom would you vote for?” while the remaining 17% sighed and said variations of “Nobody cares about correct English anymore.”