The POTUS and The Pontiff

By BRUCE LOWITT

President Donald Trump said he and first lady Melania will attend the funeral Saturday of Pope Francis at the Vatican, and announced that a limited number of $500,000 seats will be available for purchase to join him on the Air Force One flight and at the services.

“It is in times like this that we must honor the pontoon – is that the right word? – who ten years ago was the first pope to address Congress, although every one of my speeches has been better,” Trump said.

“Like when he told us not to be, and I quote, ‘fearful of foreigners, because most of us were once foreigners.’ That shows how wrong he was about some things, because I was born right here in the USA and so was my father,” the president said.

He failed to mention that his mother and maternal grandparents were born in Scotland, his paternal grandparents came from Germany, and Melania was born in the Lower Carniola region of Slovenia – or, as the president refers to it, “Lower Slobovia.”

“Well, I had nothing to do with that,” Trump said during a 2004 interview promoting The Apprentice, the television show credited – or blamed – for launching his presidential aspirations.

Trump said he has been reading the Bible every day since February 2016 when Pope Francis chided then-candidate Trump for pledging to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. “Remember when he said someone who thinks about building walls is not Christian? Well, I found dozens of times walls is mentioned in the Bible, including walls covered with gold, which I never even thought of until just now.”

He said he would “forgive the pope for his ‘wall talk’” when he places a copy of his book, The Art of the Deal, in the pope’s coffin. He also said he plans tell the College of Cardinals, organizing the funeral, that his paying guests will be passing Trump-branded collection plates among the tens of thousands of mourners.

CIC Digital LLC, the company that Trump reportedly owns and that licenses his coins, trading cards, NFTs, plates, gold sneakers, and other chazerai, said it would be issuing a series of Trump-at-the-Vatican memorabilia, including Trump-branded rosaries, crucifixes, chalices, communion cups, and thuribles – along with coins, trading cards, NFTs, plates, gold sneakers, and other chazerai to commemorate the occasion.