GOP Brains: Running on Empty

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of a conversation at Internal Revenue Service headquarters involving former IRS Commissioner Danny Werfel, former Acting IRS Commissioners Melanie Krause and Douglas O’Connell, former IRS Chief Privacy Officer Kathleen Walters, former IRS Chief Financial Officer Teresa Hunter, former IRS Chief Risk Officer Mike Wetklow, former IRS Chief Counsel Marjorie Rollinson, all of whom have recently resigned, former Acting IRS Chief Counsel William Paul, removed from office in March by President Donald Trump, and Billy Long, former Missouri congressman, and suspiciously questionable tax-consultant/auctioneer/realtor/con man, and current Trump nominee to run the IRS.

Werfel: “So … now what?”

Krause: “Whaddya mean?”

Werfel: “I mean if Billy here isn’t in charge yet because Senate Finance wants to know about his qualifications and accusations of fraud.”

Long: “Hey …”

Rollinson: “Relax, Billy. You know you’re a shoe-in.”

Wetkow: “So where does that leave us?”

Paul: “There is no ‘us’, Mike.”

Wetkow: “What I mean is, with all our empty offices, what’s the IRS doing about collecting taxes and auditing returns and sending out refunds?”

Hunter: “Oh, you’re so cute, Mike.”

Wetkow: “No, seriously.”

O’Connell: “The short answer? Nothing.”

Wetkow: “Wait. What?”

Walters: “Can we speak privately?”

O’Connell: “That’s your – I mean that was in your job title.”

Walters: “Okay, here’s the deal. The day Trump was sworn in he signed an executive order to stop the hiring of IRS staff and all other federal employees. Then the DOGE Bros fired six thousand IRS employees, and another twenty thousand just accepted Trump’s resignation offer. There’s no one left. So the odds of someone getting audited, which was already very low, got even lower. So just between you and me and the lamppost …”

Long: “It means ya don’t gotta even bother filin’ no tax return.”

Paul: “Whoa! Are you nuts?”

Long: “Look ah know whut …”

Krause: “You don’t know shit, Billy. You sold yourself as a, and I quote, ‘Certified Business and Tax Advisor’ after taking just a three-day course, right? Why do you think Trump nominated you? For your expertise?”

Long: “He said as long as I does whut he …”

Krause: “And why do you think the finance committee’s looking into your abuse of …”

Long: “It ain’t abuse.”

Krause: “… your alleged abuse of the system exploiting tax-credit eligibility criteria that enable companies hiring you as a tax expert to commit …”

Long: “Don’t say it.”

Krause: “… fraud.”

Long: “It’s only fraud if ‘n ya git catched.”

Walters: “Okay, so we know people have to file returns. But the problem is that when they do it’s going to take forever to get them processed. Trump’s guys will make sure the computers will flag anyone who gets a refund and you just know the staff’s going to want to double-check them, which means anyone who’s due a legitimate refund is going to wait forever to get it – or die in the interim.”

(Anonymous voice): “And permit me to address that point.”

Walters: “Excuse me, but this is supposed to be a private conference call. I’m the former IRS privacy officer. Who’s this – and how did you get looped into our call?”

(Anonymous voice): “Michelle King here. I quit as acting commissioner of Social Security in February over demands by those DOGE assholes that I turn over recipients’ private information. And according to what it says here on my iPad, I accidentally got connected to you when national security fuckup Mike Waltz was screwing around with his cellphone again.”

Hunter: “Cool.”

O’Connell: “Welcome to the ‘formers’ club, Michelle. And as long as we’ve got you …”

King: “I know, I know. Millions of people who count on Social Security for their livelihood are already going to be screwed with SSA gutted, and with the IRS ravaged by DOGE as well …”

Long: “Fuck ’em. They shudda knowed better’n to let the gummint take …”

Wetkow: “Jesus Christ, Billy!”

King: “What’s going to happen is people who rely on their checks for housing and food, and people who live in rural areas or have disabilities, they’ll wind up financially challenged if not destitute when those Social Security or refund checks don’t arrive because there’s nobody to send …”

Werfel: “Which reminds me of a classic joke …”

Hunter: “Holy shit, Danny …”

Werfel: “Look, in the worst of times, we Jews often rely on humor to survive it.”

Rollinson: “Fine. Go ahead. Tell your joke.”

Werfel: “So, um, ninety-year-old Solomon is on his deathbed. With his last bit of strength he asks, ‘Is Sarah here?’ His wife whispers, ‘Yes, dear. I’m right here.’ Then he asks, ‘Are Jacob and Rachel here?’ His children say, ‘Yes, father.’ Then he asks, ‘Are my brothers and sisters here?’ And Abraham and Rebecca and Morris and Naomi all say, ‘Of course, Solomon. We’re all here.’ And the old man closes his eyes and says, ‘So if everybody’s here, who’s minding the store?’”