Law and Disorder

By BRUCE LOWITT

Five additional major law firms caved Friday to pressure from Donald Trump rather than deal with punitive action by the White House and immediately went to work for the president, suing the rest of America’s top 97 law firms, the Democratic and Republican parties, Augusta National Golf Club, several sports leagues, Kimberly-Clark Corporation, and General Mills.

“This is only the start of my campaign to prevent anyone from doing anything to me or anybody I’m related to or like, as well as to make sure that America will not only be great again but will be the greatest, least race-considerate, most gender-specific, and most thoroughly American America,” Trump said.

Kirkland & Ellis, Latham & Watkins, A&O Shearman, Simpson Thacher & Bartlett, and Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft each agreed to do at least $100-million in free legal work, bringing the total amount committed so far to close to $1-billion in pro bono legal services for the Trump Administration, as well as to kiss the asses of the president, his family, and his cabinet.

“With this litigation,” Patrick Quinn, Cadwalader’s managing partner, said, “We’re getting even with Jenner & Block and the rest of the law firms remaining silent or calling us pussies and fighting the fat narcis- … I mean going against the wishes of our beloved president.

“We’re also making sure we, our wives, and our children can keep going to our country clubs and enjoying our vacation villas,” Quinn added, “and are less likely to face threats of physical abuse and bomb threats from his more, um, avid supporters.”

The nation’s two principal – if unprincipled – political parties are being targeted by Trump’s band of shysters, the president said, “because the Dems are whiny weasels without leadership or serious programs and I want to keep them that way, and the Republicans because, well, why not? I want them to know that, as much as I count on them to bow to my every wish, any slight deviation from my demands will be met with a shitstorm of my wrath.”

Jon A. Ballis, chairman of Kirkland & Ellis, said Trump is going after Augusta National “because when he demanded a spot in the Masters without having to qualify, and insisted the Masters be moved to Trump National Doral in Miami, Fred Ridley, who runs Augusta and the tournament, laughed in his face. I can’t say for sure if that, um, incident, is related to the damage to the Ridley home and property in Tampa.”

Ballis also said Trump plans to sue Major League Baseball, the NBA and the NHL because “the president told me he believes foreigners like Shohei Ohtani, Luka Dončić, and Nikita Kucherov are ruining American athletics.”

Kimberly-Clark, maker of adult incontinence disposable underwear, reportedly has received a flurry of letters “full of profanity and threats,” White House Deputy Press Secretary Kush Desai said, “because their product has failed at some very inopportune times, like during state visits, and the president said he’s, and I quote, ‘had it up to here with this shit and is going to sue the crap out of them.’”

Similarly, Desai said, Trump is going after General Mills, which produces Betty Crocker products, because he self-tans using a formula of his own devising – white body lotion, one juiced baby carrot, and a tablespoon of Betty Crocker’s Super Moist Orange Cake Mix – “and he’s not happy because lately some smart-asses in the White House are asking if he wants whipped topping in his hair.”