Trump: Me, me, me. Also me.

By BRUCE LOWITT

Transcript of the actual inaugural speech by President Donald Trump following his swearing-in on Monday. The speech that was televised and broadcast was a substitute AI version provided by White House technical services.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you.

(Applause dies down until there’s silence)

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you all. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much. Please. Thank you.

(Stage whisper by Melania Trump: “Jesus Christ, Donald. Get on with it.”)

Thank you Vice President Vance. House Speaker Johnson. Representative Boebert – knees together, sweetheart. Chief Justice Roberts and some justices of my Supreme Court. Mister Bezos. Mister Zuckerberg. Mister Brin. Mister Musk. Mister Arnault. Mister … uh, my apologies if I’ve left out any of my billionaires. Former failed United States presidents – the people out there know who you are – and Melania, Don Junior, Ivanka, Jared, Barron, Tiffany, Lara, Kai, Arabella, and my fellow citizens. Today …

(Stage whisper: “Dad!”)

Oh, shit. And Eric. For some reason I always forget about Eric. Anyway, today begins a new golden age of America. That’s right. Invest in gold. Between my higher tariffs and lower taxes that will increase the government’s debt and inflation, the price of gold is going to skyrocket and my Trump Golden Calf memecoin is going to make me a shit ton of money. … I mean, everyone who buys enough of them a millionaire. I will put America First and you will be the envy of every foreigner that doesn’t speak English.

Our safety will be restored as I weaponize our foreign policy and make sure the rest of the world doesn’t even think of fucking with us. Ours will be a nation proud and free and prosperous for those who believe in my power to overcome any challenge to my authority.

Until now we have funded the defense of foreign borders while refusing to defend our own, and as I promised eight years ago, and four years ago and eight weeks ago and yesterday, we will build that wall. And if Canada doesn’t like it, tough noogies.

We will care for our own citizens like never before. Those of you who have suffered the devastation of hurricanes and fires and tornadoes and earthquakes and frightening noises in the middle of the night, be assured we will do everything we can to stop them as soon as we can figure out what causes them and how to do it, and meanwhile the wealthiest and most powerful of us, some of whom are sitting here right now, will do everything they can to contribute to campaigns in order to rebuild their homes and businesses so they can continue to increase their wealth and power.

We will rebuild our public health system, getting rid of the socialistic program that has enticed millions of Americans to lower their medical and pharmaceutical costs without giving a thought to the needs of physicians and nurses and drug companies and their executives and lawyers who rely on government assistance.

We will rebuild our public education system so that children, now so ashamed of our history and treatment of people lesser than themselves, and ashamed of a government which in the past has taken advantage of great swaths of Americans who looked and sounded different than you and I, will once again take pride in our superiority, if not our knowledge.

Just a few months ago, an assassin’s bullet ripped through my left ear, or maybe it was my right ear, and I know for certain that my life was saved for a reason, that I was saved because the shooter wasn’t as good as he thought he was. I mean, even I could’ve made that shot and I never served in the military. … But lets not dwell on that. … And that is why it is my aim – Get it? Aim? – to make sure that our public education system will include courses in the use of weapons, and I will insist that all school budgets allocate funds to provide each and every student with his or her family’s military-style weapon of choice.

And speaking of his and her, this week I will end the government policy of trying to socially engineer race and gender into public life. We will forge a society that is not only colorblind but colordeaf-and-dumb as well. And colorhandicapped. And as of today, the official United States government policy is that the only genders are man, woman, person, camera … uh … couch … um … Tesla … wait … television?

To the Black and Hispanic communities, I have heard your voice, although most of the time I couldn’t understand what the hell you were saying. Today is Martin Luther King Day, and even though I didn’t know he was partly Puerto Rican or Spanish or something like that, I will endeavor to make his dream a reality while changing every future January twentieth to Martin Luther King Donald Trump Day, which eventually will be shortened to King Donald Day.

Today, I will begin signing executive orders to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. Also the Panama Canal will be the American Canal. And New Mexico will be … I dunno, New America? … I’ll think of something. … And that Alaskan mountain that was changed from Mount McKinley to the native name of Denali? It will be changed again, to Mount Melania, because, y’know, I tell everyone how I admire her beautiful mountains – and besides, I’ve got to get her to change the prenup we signed twenty years ago.

Ours is a great nation, to be respected and admired. To be proud and prosperous. To be feared and hated. To be whatever the fuck I say it is. You’re welcome.