Outing the inbred

By BRUCE LOWITT

After the House Ethics Committee secretly voted to release its long-awaited report on former Rep. Matt Gaetz, Senate Republicans also secretly voted to investigate virtually all of President-elect Donald Trump’s other nominees for cabinet positions, ambassadorships, and governmental offices.

The impetus for the probe, according to several Republican senators, all of whom who spoke Thursday on condition of absolute anonymity because they feared retribution, ostracism, and being banned from the Senate restrooms, was the report that Trump plans to nominate former NFL running back and walking concussion Herschel Walker as ambassador to the Bahamas.

Walker, the 1982 Heisman Trophy winner as college football’s top player, loser in the 2022 race for U.S. senator from Georgia, and serial exaggerator of virtually everything he says or does, said he looked forward to his role as Bahamas ambassador “because I really love Tommy’s shirts and other colorful stuff.”

Opposition to his nomination and many others was widespread.

“Talk about a last straw. I mean, this comes on the heels of his naming shrieking gargoyle Kimberly Guilfoyle as ambassador to Greece and multiple felonist Charles Kushner as ambassador to France,” said a senator from Maine, who said she was staggered by the choices. “I mean, really?”

“I can go one … no, two … no, three better,” said a Republican senator from Alaska. “Putting a quack doctor in charge of Medicare and Medicaid, a brain-worm anti-vaxxer heading Health and Human Services, and a steroid dealer running the Department of Education? General stupidity – and we know how Trump loves his generals – is one thing,” she added, “but wholesale idiocy is another.”

Another senator, from Kentucky, took issue with Trump’s choice of Tulsi Gabbard to be Director of National Intelligence. “The problem,” he drawled, “is that she doesn’t have any. Intelligence, I mean. How does a mouthpiece for Russian propaganda, not to mention one of Syrian President (Basher) al-Assad’s side pieces, wind up setting our foreign policy?”

The House Ethics Committee’s decision to release the report on Gaetz, who resigned just days before he was to be questioned by the Senate as Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, infuriated the former Florida representative and national spokesman for Brylcreem and Botox.

“Sure, I partied, womanized, smoked, and drank more than I should have,” Gaetz said, “but that was last summer, when schools like Pensacola High and Loganville High were already closed and the gir- … the young women didn’t have curfews. And I never, ever, did anything with someone that anyone would consider wrong if they were okay with it.”

House Speaker Mike Johnson, R-MegaMaga, has asked the committee not to investigate any of Trump’s nominees “and definitely not to release the results,” he said, “but if they’re going to do it, I’ll bring the popcorn.”