Uh, hold on, Donald …

By BRUCE LOWITT

A federal judge ruled Wednesday that Donald Trump did, in fact, win the presidency in 2020, thereby disqualifying him from serving a third term, throwing out the results of Tuesday’s vote and naming runner-up Kamala Harris the duly elected president.

The stunning announcement by U.S. District Judge Alvin Hellerstein, ruling in favor of an emergency appeal by prosecutor Jack Smith, infuriated Trump, who had spent the morning directing associates loading Hefty Bags full of documents held in his Mar-a-Lago estate into his now-famous TRUMP Campaign garbage truck.

“This is an outrage perpetrated by a crooked judge and a crooked justice system and I will appeal it immediately to my … I mean the U.S. Supreme Court,” Trump said. “Everybody knows I lost that last election to Sleepy Joe Biden fair and square and I can prove it as soon as I can find the papers in one of these cartons. … Where’s my safety vest?”

Harris, who had called Trump at 2 p.m. to congratulate him on winning the election and discussing the peaceful transfer of power, rescinded “everything I said, especially about the transfer of power,” she told reporters at 5:30 p.m. “Now that I’m in charge, I’ll call out the freaking National Guard if he or any of his rioters try to get anywhere near the Capitol or the White House.”

Hellerstein, who on Sept. 3 rejected the former president’s request that he intervene in Trump’s New York State hush-money criminal trial in an attempt to overturn his felony conviction, said Wednesday that Smith had provided the court with “sufficient evidence that Mr. Trump knew and firmly believed what he was talking about” when he claimed the 2020 election was rigged.

“Mr. Smith, Special Counsel for the United States Department of Justice, provided this court with documents from slates of electors in seven states confirming that Mr. Trump won the election in their states,” Hellerstein said, “along with sworn statements by a Mr. M. Lindell and a Mr. R. Giuliani attesting to the veracity of said documents.

“Thus, the 2024 election is null and void. And because of time constraints, mainly requiring that a new president be sworn in on the twentieth day of January of next year, I am ruling that Ms. Harris be awarded Mr. Trump’s Electoral College votes, thereby making her the winner by five-hundred-to-zero – or whatever the Electoral total is when votes from Alaska and any other outstanding states are counted.”

Hellerstein said results of the rest of Tuesday’s election, for the Senate, House of Representative, governors “and all other offices down to dog-catcher, are valid and are not part of this case.”

Mitch McConnell, R-Dotage, regaining his title as Senate Majority Leader, said of the decision: “It’ll be fun watching as President Harris spends the next four years banging her head against a stone wall trying to get us to agree to anything she promised during her campaign.”

And soon-to-be-former President Biden, told of Hellerstein’s ruling, replied, “Wait. What? Hold on. You’re telling me the last four years didn’t happen?”