Malaria: Interview with a pussy

By BRUCE LOWITT

“She talks about her elegance, her style, her wealth, her beauty and her insistence on perfection, but in private she talks – and swears – like a Teamster.”

So begins Malaria, an Unauthorized Biography, by Tony Schwartz, author of Trump: The Art of the Deal. According to Schwartz, Malaria is based on interviews with Beaver, an American Shorthair pussy who, unbeknownst to Melania Trump, found her way into the White House and lived there during her husband’s 2017-21 presidency.

“The First Lady loved to talk about her ‘precious’ jewelry collection, like it was worth millions,” the cat recounts, “but I saw the bags she brought back from the Georgetown Flea Market. Talk about knockoffs. I wouldn’t wear a collar with the ‘diamonds’ that come from there.”

Beaver said she found her way into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue by following a trail of half-eaten McDonald’s Quarter-Pounders with Cheese from the driveway where Donald Trump’s limousine was parked to the door where he entered, and which she could open by licking the grease on the handle. Beaver lived in unoccupied rooms and behind-the-walls passageways and survived on food left on the floor when the president left his bedroom.

The third Mrs. Trump, a native of Slovenia, would telephone her friends – “apparently she had a couple of them who she made sure the president didn’t know about because she was afraid Donald would grab them by, uh, you know,” Beaver says – and tells them she feared ending up like the first one.

Donald Trump’s first wife, the former Ivana Zelnickova, a native of Czechoslovakia, bore three children, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, all of whom traded on their names and became fabulously wealthy pains in the ass to much of America.

Ivana divorced Donald in 1990 after 13 years, died in 2022 of blunt impact injuries after allegedly falling down stairs in her New York City home, and was buried below the backside of the first tee at the former president’s New Jersey golf club.

Beaver says she overheard the current Mrs. Trump telling then-White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson, “I’m an immigrant. Ivana was an immigrant. Donald hates immigrants. I don’t want to end up below the backside of the second tee or anywhere else at his stupid club or anywhere else in New Jersey. Yuck.”

According to Beaver, Mrs. Trump is amused by her husband’s total lack of knowledge about everything – “He still has no idea where Slovenia is and frequently refuses to acknowledge that it’s a real country” – she swears he lost the 2020 election, and hopes he’ll lose this year’s so she can make use of her prenup while he eventually fades into oblivion.

Also, Beaver says, she overheard Melania tell her friends on multiple occasions, “Donald has a tiny dick and he’s a lousy lay.”