Washingtons of …

By BRUCE LOWITT

Portion of the first draft of a script, a one-act comedy tentatively titled “Washingtons of Shit,” written by Steve Martin, masquerading as Steven Miller. Recovered from a dumpster behind Beresovsky’s Deli in Washington, D.C. (The only pages not completely covered in schmaltz.)

(Cast: Dom DeLuise as Donald Trump, Trae Crowder as J.D. Vance, Halle Berry as Kamala Harris, Kevin James as Tim Walz, Laura Benanti as Melania Trump, Jack Schlossberg as Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Mike Lindell as himself):

Remaining portion of SCENE TWO

(TRUMP speaking into a banana that he thinks is a phone)

TRUMP – Hello? Can you hear me? I said she’s a Marxist, communist, fascist, socialist, podiatrist, urologist, assologist …

(HARRIS enters stage right)

HARRIS – I don’t know what that last one is but I’m not any of the others except the first one.

TRUMP – Well, I don’t …

HARRIS (pastes on a thick wax moustache) – Say the secret woid and the boid’ll come down and give you a hunnerd dollas.

TRUMP – Wait. What?

HARRIS – One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.

TRUMP – Stop, stop.

HARRIS (Takes off moustache, puts on curly wig and Tyrolean hat) – Sturgeon? Atsa no fish. Atsa doctor. He cutta you open wenna you sick.

TRUMP – Where’s J.D. when I need him?

(WALZ enters, stage right)

WALZ (wearing trench coat and a blond wig and carrying a bulb horn) – Honk, honk (begins chasing office secretary MELANIA TRUMP around her desk)

(HARRIS, WALZ and MELANIA TRUMP exit stage left)

(VANCE enters stage right)

VANCE – You paged me?

TRUMP – I asked you to create a story about puppies and kittens.

VANCE – Yeah. And? …

TRUMP – I didn’t want people eating them.

VANCE – If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do Besides, I’m allergic to dogs and cats and ferrets and rabbits and beavers and …

TRUMP – Ooh, hey. Beavers.

VANCA – Not that kind.

TRUMP – Oh, damn. Well, still, now I have to cover your ass …

VANCE – Well, that’s easier than covering yours. I don’t think I have a Tarpaulin that big.

TRUMP – Why, you …

VANCE (putting on hockey mask) – I’m Hannibal Lecter. Bow down before me …

TRUMP (Picking up AK-47) – Oh, yeah? Well, say hello to my li’l fren. I’m Alphonse Capone. I’m Scarface. Where’s that weasel Lindell? His pillow commercials make me puke. I’ll bury him.

(MIKE LINDELL enters stage left carrying a Zero Halliburton briefcase flapping open, runs at full speed across the stage, exits stage right)

(TRUMP begins chasing LINDELL)

(RFK JR. enters stage right)

RFK JR. – Who wants lunch? We’ll have a whale of a time. I can’t bear to …

(TRUMP tackles RFK JR.)

TRUMP – You’ll do.

RFK JR. – Hey, keep this up and nobody’ll vote for you.

TRUMP – Haven’t you seen what’s happened lately? I mean, God wants me to be president to save the country.

(The stage goes dark, there’s a clap of thunder and James Earl Jones’ voice booms, “No fucking way!”)

(Curtain: End of SCENE TWO)