Judge not, lest ye be screwed

By BRUCE LOWITT

Frustrated by what he called “all the bitching and moaning” over decisions in women’s gymnastics and other sports in Paris, International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach announced Tuesday that “all events involving judging have been eliminated from all future Games.”

After meeting with the IOC’s executive board, Bach said, it was agreed that as a result of several controversies, including U.S. gymnast Jordan Chiles’ disputed bronze medal and Australian breaker Rachel Gunn’s polarizing performance that earned her no points, “we figured, ‘Enough already’.”

“When the Olympics began, its motto was ‘Citius, Altius, Fortius,’ Faster, Higher, Stronger,” Bach said. “It didn’t include Artsius, Cutesius, Sparklius and definitely not Crookedius, which is what more than a couple of the judges seem to be at every Summer and Winter Games.”

As a result, all gymnastics events and numerous other competitions are out, starting with the 2028 Los Angeles Summer Olympics.

“Most of those gymnastics girls are really cute and some of them are really hot,” IOC Vice President Juan Antonio Samaranch of Spain said, “and the guys, well, a lot of them are as well. But we have standards and absolute honesty in the Games is our number one goal, even if raking in billions of television dollars worldwide is a close second.”

Also gone from the summer schedule: artistic swimming and three-meter springboard, 10-meter platform and synchronized diving. “You might as well throw in a cannonball,” Bach said. “Ï mean, when the hell did sports become an Esther Williams-Busby Berkeley musical?”

The Winter Games, starting with Italy in 2026, will lose freestyle skiing and snowboarding as well as figure skating and ice dancing. “Sometimes,” Bach said, “I think the judges are awarding the medals to Vera Wang and Mathieu Caron for designing the skating costumes.”

He said the IOC has received several applications to become Olympic events, including Whac-A-Mole, Cornhole, Quidditch, Bossaball, Shovel Racing, Snowball Fighting, Axe Throwing and Dwarf Throwing, “but I doubt they’ll be approved because ‘Citius, Altius, Fortius’ doesn’t also include ‘Crazius.’”

Other Summer Games being jettisoned, Bach said, include wrestling, fencing, surfing, judo, karate “and skateboarding and breaking. I mean, how do you judge shit that any kid over the age of eight on any street corner in the world can probably do better than the person judging him or her?”

“We’re keeping boxing – but the fight lasts until one of them is unconscious or can’t get up. But equestrian? That’s definitely gone,” Bach added. “I mean, the horse does all the work and a human gets a medal? Give me a freaking break.”