Trump: Not ‘grounded’ – ever

By BRUCE LOWITT

Former president, current felon and future cadaver Donald Trump has been banned from all burial grounds in the United States, both military and civilian, following his inglorious behavior Monday at Arlington National Cemetery (ANC).

Ahead of his visit, ANC officials told Trump’s entourage he could visit gravesites in Section 60, where recent U.S. casualties, mostly from Afghanistan and Iraq, are buried, but “don’t fuck around,” the ANC statement said. “No phony limping. That ‘bone spurs’ shit ain’t gonna fly here.”

“Also, no political campaign or election-related activities,” the statement added, “and definitely no photographs unless you want to visit Guantanamo for a nice long time.”

Ronald E. Walters, Acting Under Secretary for Memorial Affairs and head of the National Cemetery Administration, said Trump would no longer be allowed in any of the 172 military cemeteries in the United States.

“Not while he’s alive and damn sure not when he’s dead,” Walters said, “although I doubt he’d want to be buried in one, considering what the visitors to nearby graves might want to do to his. Sticking this guy in the ground anywhere near one of our fallen war heroes would by its very nature be considered desecration. … If anyone wants him to visit a grave they can ask for an autographed photo to bury in it, but that’s all.”

Taking its cue from the National Cemetery Administration, the leadership of the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association has excluded Trump from any connection with its more than 10,000 members.

“As president-elect of the world’s largest deathcare industry group,” Bob Gordon Jr., said from his Cypress Lawn office in Colma, California, “I believe we have not only the right but the obligation to prevent anyone from contaminating the Earth, whether in it, on it in a crypt, or above it as airborne ashes.

“And as I see it,” Gordon added, “Mr. Trump is worse than arsenic, mercury, lead, or pesticides. Granted, he’s full of horseshit, which makes for nice fertilizer, but even that’s a waste considering how poisonous he is.”

Trump has repeatedly denied that the filming and photographing of him at gravesites had anything to do with his attempt to avoid prison by running for president for a third time.

He suggested Thursday that Gold Star families, the survivors of military members killed in combat, and not his campaign, had disseminated pictures and videos of him, including a number of “thumbs-up” photos of him and others smiling next to headstones in Section 60.

“I don’t know what the rules and regulations are,” Trump said. “I don’t know who did it. Lets face it, I don’t know shit when it comes to rules and regulations. Maybe it was the parents who invited me. … Maybe it was that lunatic Khizr Khan. … Or maybe it was Tim Walz, sneaking around with a camera in his phony Army outfit and his fake dog.”