Add-Vance … Retreat

By BRUCE LOWITT

Felonious candidate Donald Trump, not exactly admitting his mistake in selecting J.D. Vance as his vice presidential running mate, announced Friday that the Ohio senator has “volunteered to step down” and has been replaced by Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley.

“D.J. – that’s what I call J.D. since we’re so close and I’m terrible with names but great with nicknames – called me last night and told me that he has more important stuff to accomplish in Congress, like writing a bill requiring that no U.S. household has more cats than children, and to make sure the GOP keeps control of the Senate,” Trump said.

“I totally agreed, and his suggestion that I pick someone with less bagg- … uh, someone less weir- … uh, a guy with more experience was spot on.”

Trump, 78 and showing occasional signs of cognitive decline, said his choice of Grassley, who turns 91 next month, “makes me look a lot younger to a lot of voters who’ve probably never even heard of him. Besides, Chuckles – that’s what I call Chuck since we’re so close and I’m terrible with names but great with nicknames – will keep his mouth shut for the next ninety-five days and not fuck things up like someone I know.”

The former president said conversations with Republicans in Congress about his selection of Vance on the first day of the GOP’s national convention had nothing to do with the change of his running mate.

“A few of them kind of wondered how I came to my decision … uh, I mean why D.J. changed his mind,” Trump said. “Once I explained how I was trying to avoid a bloodbath … uh, I mean after he’d met with Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle last weekend, they were all in on my choice … uh, I mean his decision. Besides, I told him Hillbilly Elegy sucked. I just didn’t get any of it. I mean, poor people?”

Grassley, R-Senility, is the longest-serving Republican senator in Congressional history, having first been elected in 1980 and reelected seven times. He said he was honored to have been chosen as Trump’s running mate. “I can’t tell you how boring Iowa is,” he said. “Getting the hell out of there will be great, even if I have to spend a lot more time with an orange gasbag.”

“Besides, history shows vice president is such an important job,” he said. “I mean, who would have ever heard of Andrew Johnson or Chester A. Arthur or Teddy Roosevelt or Gerald Ford or … well, okay, forget Ford … if they hadn’t been great vice presidents, right?”

Vance, campaigning in New Mexico on Friday, was asked by reporters to comment on his decision to withdraw as Trump’s vice presidential candidate.

“Wait,” Vance replied. “What?”