Trump’s Queer Theory

By BRUCE LOWITT

Donald Trump, expressing buyer’s remorse and panicking over the likelihood of having to campaign against Kamala Harris, jettisoned J.D. Vance as his vice presidential candidate Monday and began a desperate and so-far-unsuccessful search for what he called “a pansy running mate who’ll make me even more likeable.”

After meeting with several of the more moderate Republican members of Congress following President Joe Biden’s announcement not to seek reelection, Trump said he “agreed to revamp what they insisted would have been an excessively retro-masculine ticket.”

According to a member of Trump’s campaign staff, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the former president-turned-felon has been turned down by “at least four or five people he thinks would make a lot of voters forget just what a homophobic antisemitic misogynist racist he is.”

Trump pitched the vice presidential role to actress, writer and TV producer-director Natasha Lyonne to join him “because she’s straight but the gays just love her for some reason,” the campaign staffer said.

Lyonne said she shuddered at the thought of running with Trump. “Like I once said in an interview, ‘I do ultimately identify with the queer community more than the straight community outside of the sex acts.’ But the thought of getting into bed with him, so to speak, even with both of us fully clothed, is like, blech.”

Trump, doubling down on his attempt to attract what he called “the LGBTQRST… whatever-the-fuck-those-letters-mean crowd,” also approached Jennifer Natalya Pritzker, the 73-year-old Jewish billionaire (“Isn’t that redundant?” Trump said) who was born James Nicholas Pritzker and transitioned in 2013.

But Pritzker, a former Republican, supported Biden in 2020, rejecting the GOP’s anti-LGBTQ policies, and declined Trump’s offer, saying, “frankly, I wouldn’t fuck him with Melania’s pussy.”

Trump told his campaign staff he wanted to “go after Chinese and lesbian voters” by asking actress-comedian Margaret Cho to be his running mate, only to be told that Cho is Korean and bisexual. “Bisexual? Is that like she’s from both North and South Korea?”

Then he proposed comedian and actress Wanda Sykes. “She’s gay, right? And she’s Black, so that cancels out Kamala, right?”

Upon learning of this, Sykes posted on X: “That muthafucka farted up a courtroom, and said Hitler did a lot of good things and shit,” which ended her candidacy.

Trump also considered offering the vice presidential slot to Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Horseface. “I mean, that bitch is so butch that she’s got to be a lesbo.” Told that she’s not, Trump replied, “Wait, you mean there’s guys willing to have actual sex with her?”

“Look, I’ve been riding the whole MAGA thing for almost ten years now, and when Biden shit himself in the debate I thought we were a shoo-in no matter who I picked to run with me,” Trump said. “But Harris is a whole other story. There’s got to be some fagg-… member of the gay and lesbian community I can run with.”