From furor to Führer

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of a recording of the meeting of the Republican National Committee (RNC), the Freedom Caucus, and the Heritage Foundation to formulate the framework of Project 2029, to be implemented upon the 2028 election of then-Vice President Marjorie Taylor Greene to become the 48^th President of the United States in the event of the GOP’s failed attempt to do away with the 22^nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution limiting a president to two elected terms in office:

Donald Trump: “Okay, anyone opposed to that?”

Heritage Foundation Chair Barb Van Andel-Gaby: “Excuse me? Run that past me again. You’re not allowed to become …”

Donald Trump: “You haven’t been listening, Sweet Cheeks. Fine. Here’s how it works. There’s no rule that says I can’t run for vice president after my two terms as president, right? And there’s no rule that says the new president can’t, um, retire, a week or even a day after being sworn in, right? And that makes the vice president the president, right? So Marjorie leaves town with a parting gift of a few extra million in the bank and her own reality TV show on the Trump Channel, I pick a new vice president – how’d you like that job, Babs? – we all get what we want, our Supreme Court rejects any challenges, we avoid another bloodbath, and Bob’s your uncle.”

Heritage Trustee Robert P. George: “Wait. What? How did I …”

Donald Trump: “Not you, Bob. It’s just a thing I heard that new idiot British President Keir Starmer say in some stupid radio interview. I think it means ‘How do you like them apples?’ or something.”

Heritage Foundation co-founder Edwin Fuelner Jr.: “It means ‘It’s done,’ Donald. I lived in London for a while. And Starmer’s prime minister. Britain doesn’t have a president. Christ, are you really that stupid?”

Freedom Caucus Deputy Chair Jim Jordan, R-Jockstrap: “Hey, hey, let’s calm down. We have a lot of shit to cover, like the gender-identity business.”

Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, R-Coven: “Yeah, I know we want to stop promoting the idea of sex and gender transition, but what about my idea of gender ident-…”

RNC Co-Chair Lara Trump: “Got that covered, Anna. We’ll make it so anyone anywhere in the country who leaves the M or F box blank on any federal form or tries to put in something else will have their citizenship voided and become a non-person. Except they’ll still have to pay taxes, including a penalty for defacing a government form. And maybe we’ll throw them in jail just for the hell of it.”

Paulina Luna: “Cool.”

Donald Trump: “Look, I don’t want any of this to be like that horrible Project 2025 nonsense that I know nothing about and don’t know who’s doing it. I’m having a lot of trouble discon-… uh, disre-… um, disapp- … shit! What am I trying to say?”

Rep. Chip Roy, R-Bump Stock: “Destroy?”

Donald Trump: “Are you fuc-…”

Rep. Lauren Boebert, R-Napalm: “He means distancing, Chip. Distancing himself from it.”

Donald Trump: “Thanks, babe.”

Senior AshkeNazi Stephen Miller: “Don’t worry, Mein Führ … er, Mr. President. We’re way beyond Project 2025. Like y’know how people talk about wanting America to return to Judeo-Christian values? We’ve been talking with leading White Christian Nationalist Brad Onishi and, basically, we’re going to get rid of all the ‘Judeo’ stuff. Maybe all the Judeos. Except me. Actually, people tell me, ‘Funny, you don’t look Jewish.’ (Silence) Oh, come on. It’s the classic punch line to … (Long silence) Never mind.”

RNC Chair Michael Whatley: “What about the immigration problem?”

Rep. Paul Gosar, R-Weasel: “Got that covered and a lot more than what we’re talking about in Project 2025. We’re arranging for California, Illinois and New York, three states that really piss us off, to be walled off and anyone who’s not a pure White Christian Republican will be detained there and eventually deported to whatever foreign country or region shows up as a majority in their DNA.”

Donald Trump: “What about the DOJ and the FBI and DHS and the Department of Education?”

Jordan: “Gone.”

Donald Trump: “Wait. I’ve already talked about getting rid of the deep state communist and anti-American …”

Jordan: “No, not the people in the departments. I’m talking about the entire departments.”

Donald Trump: “You mean …”

Lara Trump: “Dad, would you rather run the government or be the government?”

Donald Trump: Oh, hey, now you’re talking!”

(Recording ends)