Chestnut’s roasting

By BRUCE LOWITT

Human garbage disposal Joey Chestnut, 16-time champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, exploded early Friday morning, setting a nearby hillside ablaze just hours after eating 57 plant-based weiners in five minutes at a rival competition at Fort Bliss, Texas.

Chestnut, 41, who was banned from the Nathan’s contest after signing an endorsement deal with a competing vegan frankfurter company, said he felt “a bit more full than usual” after chowing down against four Fort Bliss soldiers who ate a combined 49 hot dogs.

The 57 hot dogs Chestnut ate were one shy of the number Patrick Bertoletti downed to win the Nathan’s championship, although it took Bertoletti 10 minutes, twice as long as Chestnut, to swallow his 58.

“I’m happy for him,” Chestnut said, “although if I’d had even one more minute there’s no question I’d have out-eaten him.” Then, while suppressing a burp, he said, “I think I’ll go lie down for a while,” and entered a barracks shortly before midnight.

The explosion blew out the barracks wall and a ball of flame roared out of the fort and ignited a brush fire at nearby Franklin Mountains State Park. No one was injured in the blast and the blaze was quickly extinguished.

Although the cause of the explosion has yet to be confirmed, Sid Miller, commissioner of the Texas Department of Agriculture who was called to the scene, said he believed it was caused by what he called “filler” in the non-meat hot dogs.

“I took scrapings from one of the barracks walls still standing,” Miller said, “and I discovered particles of bamboo and duckweed. Bamboo will expand with the introduction of heat and humidity and duckweed can double in size extremely rapidly.

“Further, I found the presence of legumes, probably some form of beans,” Miller added, “which more than likely produced the gases that caused the fire. Put those three together – the bamboo, duckweed and beans – and compress them in a moisture-and-heat-filled chamber like a stomach and intestines and you’re going to end up with a gas giant to rival Jupiter.”

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott’s office issued a statement Friday saying his “thoughts and prayers go out to the family, friends and fans of Mr. Chestnut. But let me also say to this woke generation of vegetarians and vegans: I’d rather devour two pounds of our great Texas beef, have a heart attack and be buried in our family plot than eat so-called healthy crap and wind up farting myself to death like an overinflated whoopie cushion.”