Courting Disaster

By BRUCE LOWITT

In his first official presidential act since the Supreme Court’s decision Monday granting immunity for all official presidential acts, Joe Biden ordered the assassination of his predecessor and competitor for the White House.

“I used to think that I’d enjoy watching my opponent wearing a complexion-matching jumpsuit as he was being marched off to the big house,” Biden said, seated at the Resolute desk in the Oval Office of the White House, “but the combination of him possibly avoiding prison time and maybe beating me in November gave me pause.

“Therefore, under the powers granted me by the six moronic conservative justices who thought they were giving their favorite future autocrat everything he wanted, I have assigned Seal Team Six to eliminate a clear threat to our democracy, former President Donald Trump.”

Despite the fears expressed by the Democratic Party and other opponents of the decisions announced by the justices, Biden said, “I believe the court has established clear ground rules that I can work with – and will keep working with until next year, when I hope the court wakes the heck up and undoes all the damage they did today.”

In what he called “definitely official presidential acts,” Biden also:

* ordered U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy to conduct a cognitive dementia test for any declared 2024 presidential candidate whose uncle was a former president killed on November 22, 1963,

* appointed his son, Hunter, special prosecutor to investigate the 41 members of the House of Representatives’ Freedom Caucus, plus Reps. James Comer, R-Email, and Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Sectarian,

* ordered the Treasury Department to release publicly and audit the past eight years of the tax returns of Eric Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, Steve Bannon and Roger Stone, and,

* added six more justices to the Supreme Court by executive order, nominating Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Arthur Engoron, District Attorney Fani Willis, New York State Supreme Court Judge Juan Merchan, Special Counsel Jack Smith, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, and Southern District Court Judge Aileen Cannon.

“Nah,” Biden said, “I’m just kidding about that last one. It’ll be Attorney General Merrick Garland and my new AG will be Anthony Romero, executive director of the ACLU.”

Biden said he will ask Avril Haines, director of national intelligence, to declare the Proud Boys and QAnon as terrorist organizations, “and while she’s at it I’ll ask her to include the Republican Party if it doesn’t wise up and stop opening us up to threats from both nuclear powers and, as my soon-to-be-late predecessor said, shithole countries.”