You can’t spell COURT without CORRUPT

By BRUCE LOWITT

The line of senators, congressmen, governors, mayors, city councilors, millionaires, billionaires, televangelists, and others extended out of the U.S. Supreme Court, along First Street and down Maryland Avenue as they waited to discuss what they called hypothetical business arrangements.

“Let’s say,” reclusive multibillionaire and MAGA superfan Timothy Mellon asked Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, who had stepped outside for some fresh air, “that I want to hold a gathering of, say, all our senators and congresspeople to suggest ways of improving the immigration system by, say, reestablishing the zero-quota policy of a hundred years ago.

“And let’s say Congress, in its wisdom, passes veto-proof legislation that, say, builds a huge southern-border wall and also prevents, say, anyone else from anywhere coming into the United States except, say, by invitation.

“And then, say, later on I give the 535 people in Congress, oh, maybe $4-million apiece – that is $2.14-billion, by the way, which is maybe one-seventh of what I’m worth … I say ‘maybe’ because dear old grandpappy Andrew hid so much money in so many places that even I don’t know exactly what I’m worth … where was I? Oh, yeah, give them millions as a thank you for their service. Is that legal?” Mellon asked.

“Absolutely,” Thomas said. “That’s called a gratuity, like if someone, say my wife, told me how she felt about Donald Trump and then, say, I voted to grant him total immunity for, say, everything he’d ever done or will do, and then, say, Ginni did some wonderful things with me a few nights later. That’s a gratuity.”

“But what if,” Mellon said, “I met with a couple of senators at a bar before they voted and bought a round of drinks for …”

“Oh, no,” Thomas said. “That’s a payoff. That’s illegal.”

“A-ha,” Mellon said. “Well, I own an island in the Caribbean … and a jet … and a gigantic yacht. So how’s about we …”

“Not now,” Thomas said. “Let’s wait until we’re into July, when our term ends. Wouldn’t want to do anything, um, questionable, would we?”