Trump: Hooked by debait

By BRUCE LOWITT

Transcript of the recording of former President Donald J. Trump’s rehearsal for Thursday night’s debate with President Joe Biden in Atlanta on CNN. The secret rehearsal was conducted Wednesday from 3:35-4:10 a.m. in the Rome, Ga., home of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Bloodlust. The role of CNN moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash was played in the rehearsal by former New York mayor-turned-Trump sycophant, coffee pitchman, and occasionally drunk disbarred attorney Rudy Giuliani:

Moderator: “Donald, can you …”
Trump: “Call me Mister President.”
Moderator: “Mister President, can you lend me a few million dollars from your reelection campaign so I can start to pay off those two election workers who …”
Trump: “Shut up, Rudy. Let’s get down to …”
Moderator: “… beat me in their phony defamation …”
Trump: “And stay the hell out of Marjorie’s liquor cabinet. I mean, Jesus Christ, Rudy.”
Moderator: “Okay. Sorry. Mister President. (Sound of papers being shuffled) It says here that about a quarter of Americans dislike both you and Biden. Thinking of just your unfavorable numbers, why …”
Trump: “Bullshit! I’m way ahead of Sleepy Joe in the polls.”
Moderator: “Uh, how do you plan to win over people who, uh, say they have, uh, no interest in, uh, voting for either … Never mind. Sorry.”
Trump: “Damn right, Rudy. Not just sorry. Pathetic.”
Moderator: “Okay, Dona- … Mister President. Let’s try this. The economy is always foremost in a lot of voters’ minds. What do you think is the president’s actual influence on the economy?”
Trump: “I had the greatest economy of any president. The best economy. Nobody ever had a better economy. Under Sleepy Joe the economy is a Dumpster fire. I rescued the economy after the guy before me, who wasn’t even born here …”
Moderator: “But it says here I should ask you about the actual influence …”
Trump: “Nobody’s ever had a greater influence on the economy.”
Moderator: “But it says here economists have …”
Trump: “I’m the smartest economist. I built my vast real estate empire on my brilliant understanding of the economy.”
Moderator: “Wait a minute. Didn’t that trial in New …”
Trump: “Rigged. Disgrace. Crooked jury. Crooked judge. Lying …”
(Sound of sirens, banging on door)
Unidentified voice: “Police! Open up!”
Marjorie Taylor Greene: “Goddammit! Fucking …”
Trump: “What’s going on?”
Greene: “Swatters.”
Trump: “Squatters? You mean like illegal immigrants who …”
Greene: “No, swatters. Bastards making fake emergency calls to draw cops, SWAT teams, to our house. Like a dozen times. (Shouting) We’re okay, officers. Never mind.”
Unidentified voice. “Fine. Thank you.”
(Door closes)
Moderator: “Marge, is this really Macallan Scotch …”
Trump: “Put that back, Rudy. Where were we?”
Moderator: (Shuffling papers): “Okay, here’s a foreign policy question. You say you could end the war in Ukraine, and I quote you, in one day. How do you plan to do that?”
Trump: Vladimir Putin – I call him Vlad. We’re very close. – will listen to me and stop the fighting.”
Moderator: “Does that mean giving Russia territory in Ukraine, and what if Russia or Beijing invades another sovereign nation?”
Trump: “Nobody here gives a damn about Ukraine and it’s their own damn fault for not wanting to be part of Russia. As for those other countries, if they don’t come up with whatever it costs for our protection, tough noogies.”
Moderator: “Okaaaaay. … What about Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich? He’s been wrongfully imprisoned in Russia under false accus-…”
Trump: “Fake news. Probably a spy with a name like that.”
Moderator: Mister President, I don’t think …”
Trump: “I’m not asking you to think. And wipe off that crap dripping down the side of your face.”
Moderator: “Um, okay, let’s try this. How would you handle the situation with Israel and Hamas?”
Trump: “Israel is my favorite country except for here and Russia and I’d tell them to just nuke the hell out of the Hamasians. Bunch of goddamned Muslim thugs if you ask me. Show ’em what a real bloodbath looks like.”
(Sound of sirens, banging on door, glass shattering)
Unidentified voice: “Police! Everybody up against the wall! Hands up!”)
Greene: “Jesus Christ! Rudy, call the police chief, Denise something-or-other. Don’t you asshole cops know by now that I’m … Ow! Goddammit!”
Unidentified voice: “Shut up, lady. We got a call of a home invasion in progress and … Hey, who’s the fat guy with the marmalade face?”
Moderator: “That’s the president of …”
Unidentified voice: “Rudy? Giuliani? Wow! Hey, can I have your autograph? Sorry, but we keep getting calls that this house …”
Greene: “Get out. Get out! And take your gazpacho storm troopers with you.”
Unidentified voice: “Okay, okay. We’re going. Uh … any chance you’d consider moving to another town?”
(Door slams shut)
Moderator: “Let’s continue. The Supreme Court is …”
Trump: “My court. The most beautiful court ever. They’re doing everything right and people who disagree ought to be deported. In fact, my plan to set up hundreds of camps where millions of people …”
Moderator: “Uh, let’s stay away from that. You’ve reminded people of how you’ve aced cognitive tests. Just for fun, Mister President, can you tell me the twelve months of the year in reverse order?”
Trump: “Sure. June …”
Moderator: “No. As they appear on a typical calendar?”
Trump: “Oh. December, November, October … uh … August …”
Moderator: “September.”
Trump: “September … August … uh … Juniper … Maybelline … uh … Apricot …”
Moderator: “Maybe something a little different. I’ll start. Man, woman …”
Trump: “Stormy …”
Moderator: “Oh, gee. Look at the time. I think it’s time we wrap this up.”
Trump: “Ivanka …”
(Recording ends)