Milwaukee to the GOP: Take a hike

By BRUCE LOWITT

Milwaukee closed its doors for the summer to the Republican Party on Friday as Mayor Cavalier Johnson and Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers told the GOP in a joint statement to “stick their national convention where the sun don’t shine.”

The decision to lock the doors of the Fiserv Forum during July 15-18 came just one day after former president, current felon, and future convict Donald Trump reportedly told a closed-door meeting of Congressional Republicans that Milwaukee is “a horrible city.”

Johnson, in his initial response to Trump’s comment, replied: “Well, if Donald Trump wants to talk about things that he thinks are horrible, all of us lived through his presidency, so right back at ya, buddy.”

Evers followed that by laughing and telling the Milwaukee mayor, “Oh, Cav, you’re too kind. Let’s be honest and tell that race-baiting, woke-hating, aggravating, contaminating, expectorating, calumniating, constipating, not to mention incriminating and masturbating bastard what we really think of him.”

Wisconsin Rep. Derrick Van Orden, R-Cheesemouth, who was in the closed-door meeting, said he was “pretty sure” Trump hadn’t used the word “horrible” in describing Milwaukee.

“I doubt it,” Van Orden said. “Oh, he called it ‘a shithole city’ and ‘a place I wouldn’t be caught dead in’ and ‘the textbook definition of a slumlord’s fondest dream’ – although, to be honest, I’m not certain about that last one because I don’t think he’s ever actually opened a textbook. But ‘horrible’? Probably not.”

Lara Trump, the former president’s daughter-in-law and co-chair of the Republican National Committee, said she had been given the job of finding a replacement city for the GOP convention. “It’s not a thankless task,” she said of her latest assignment, “although I’m starting to wonder if marrying Eric is worth the shit I have to put up with.”

“I mean, so far I’ve been turned down by Chicago, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Cincinnati, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Cleveland, Kansas City, Miami, Detroit, Dallas, New Orleans, Houston, San Diego, New York, St. Paul, Tampa, Charlotte and the San Francisco Bay Area – in other words, every damned place we’ve ever held a convention.

“I’ve also been turned down by Oklahoma City, Fort Worth, Anaheim, Omaha, Colorado Springs, Fresno, Wichita, Salt Lake City, Birmingham, Boise, Anchorage, Indianapolis, Yuma, Tulsa, Cheyenne, Galveston, Texarkana, Santa Fe … I mean, What the fuck?”

She said she thought Chicago would jump at the chance to host the Republicans in mid-July since the city’s United Center is already setting up to host the Aug. 19-22 Democratic National Convention.

But Mayor Brandon Johnson told MSNBC: “Fifty-six years hasn’t washed away the stain of another political convention here and I have no doubt that Trump is just itching to unleash his MAGA thugs to start a bloodbath that will make 1968 look like a garden party. So no thank you.”