DJT: 45 + 34 = 86

By BRUCE LOWITT

Technically, it took the jury two days to announce in court that Donald Trump was guilty on all 34 felony counts of scheming to influence the 2016 presidential election by suppressing a story about an affair with a porn star – but interviews with jurors tell a different story.

“Two minutes is more like it – except for one schmuck who busted our ass,” said juror No. 3, an attorney in corporate law. “When we entered the jury room the foreman asked how many of us would vote to convict on all counts and eleven hands shot up.”

When they realized they were one hand short of unanimous, the jurors looked around the room in disbelief until they noticed that juror No. 8 had his hands in his pockets.

“What’s your problem?” No. 3 asked. In response, he said, No. 8, a retiree, started peppering them with his observations.

“Wait, I wrote one of them down,” No. 3 said. “Here it is: ‘It’s always difficult to keep personal prejudice out of a thing like this. And wherever you run into it, prejudice always obscures the truth. I don’t really know what the truth is. I don’t suppose anybody will ever really know.’

“I mean, what the hell? For two days we had to listen to his shit. Then No. 1, the foreman, suddenly jumped up, pointed at him and said, ‘Holy crap! I get it. You’re a fan of … Shit, what’s his name? His kids were actors, too, right?’

“And No. 8 said, ‘Henry Fonda.’ That son of a bitch was doing 12 Angry Men on us for two … fucking … days. Then No. 8 said he always knew Trump was guilty and burst out laughing louder than a hyena at a comedy club. We had to pull No. 12 off him before she clawed his eyes out.”

Juror No. 4 said that when No. 8 wasn’t busting their chops, they all spent a few minutes debating what defense attorney Todd Blanche would be doing when the trial ended, and discussing their post-trial plans.

“Blanche got seven votes for ambulance chaser,” No. 4 said, “four for intensive-care patient if any of the MAGA crowd gets their hands on him, and one for defendant when Trump sues him for malpractice, even though Blanche obviously followed his directions.”

Several jurors said Simon and Schuster, Harper Collins and Macmillan had already figured out their identities and were offering seven-figure book deals. Jurors No. 2 and No. 5 said the William Morris Agency already had them booked for speaking tours at ten thousand dollars per appearance.

Juror No. 10 said a speaking tour “is a crazy idea. D’you know how many MAGA nuts are out there? I’m going to ask the feds about the Witness Protection Program.”

And when No. 8 said he was thinking about going on The Masked Singer, they all chuckled – but most of them pulled out their phones and started searching the web for Nick Cannon’s contact info.