CAM-A-LOT of brain worms

BRUCE LOWITT

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., changing what’s left of his mind on immigration, as he has on almost everything, proposed Friday resolving what he called “the migrant crisis” by moving the United States’ southern border further north, part of his presidential campaign “to tighten North America.”

Previously opposed to building a wall before losing a debate in his head to a brain worm – just before it died of malnutrition – Kennedy used a Sharpie on a U.S. map to draw a line from San Francisco through the southern tip of Nevada and then across the northern borders of Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina.

“Here’s where we’ll build the wall,” he said. “We’ll call those states and ones below them ‘South America’ and they can absorb the millions of people who come from Mexico and whatever they call those places where countries like Costa Rica and Nicaragua and Brazil and Argentina are.”

His presentation launched what he called “my really, really serious attempt to win the presidency and shut up my sisters and brothers and nephews and nieces and cousins – not to mention my mother and the worms still in my brain – who think I’m a raving lunatic without a chance in hell of winning.”

Kennedy also detailed several other campaign planks which he has promised to walk.

*His education policy relies heavily on providing opportunities in higher education for the next generation of students to become factory workers, telemarketers, bank tellers, librarians, travel agents, and coal miners, “all of which will thrive,” he predicted, “as soon as I do away with this AI fad.”

*The centerpiece of Kennedy’s foreign policy is “making Ukraine and Gaza our 51^st and 52^nd states to end the fighting over there. And maybe Israel, too.”

*Having spent more than 20 years as an environmental lawyer advocating for clean water, Kennedy said, “We’ll never get it. So from now on we should all just drink Red Bull.”

*On health care, he said he never claimed he is opposed to vaccinations, only that “it causes autism, makes people liberals and eventually kills almost everyone that gets one – and can you believe there isn’t even a vaccination for brain worms?”

*On abortions, he said his goal is “to stop my mother from talking about wishing she’d had one before I was born. I mean, like, Mom! Really? Enough already!”

Kennedy believes he can steal enough Electoral College votes from current President Joe Biden and future Felon Donald Trump to win the White House.

“I think the votes from Guam and Micronesia and Kingman Reef and American Samoa and so on will put me over the top,” he said. “Who needs California or New York? There are so many of those weird little territories out there.”

Told that citizens of U.S. territories can’t vote for president, Kennedy replied, “That’s not what I heard” – presumably from one of his more outspoken but ill-informed worms.