The GOP: There, but not a reason why

By BRUCE LOWITT

Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, Rep. Mike Johnson, former Rep. George Santos, and – surprisingly – Democratic Sen. Bob Menendez attended Donald Trump’s trial Tuesday although none of them expressed actual support of the former president or even being his vice president.

Cruz, R-Gargoyle, said he had “a few hours to kill” before he and his wife went to a performance of Patriots on Broadway. Cruz’s only other comment as he entered the courtroom was “I’m here because I like to see fat men sweat.”

Johnson, R-Pantywaist, who survived a recent attempt by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Valdumpster, to oust him from his Speakership, expressed tepid support for Trump “if he can throttle those lunatics I have to deal with every day.”

“I’m still amazed at how easily (Nancy) Pelosi managed to keep her colleagues from devouring each other,” Johnson added, “and, frankly, there’s days I dream of being just one of the guys again, handing (Hakeem) Jeffries the gavel and watching him trying to run the asylum.”

Trump, speaking outside the courthouse after Tuesday’s session, said he actually enjoys watching “the daily bloodbath in the House ’cause they never get anything done, which is what my campaign is all about.”

Santos, who had more identities than Frank Abignale Jr., in his short term as a New York congressman, and Menendez, D-Bullion, both said they were strong supporters of Trump as long as he is found not guilty of falsifying business records and election interference and is elected president again in November.

“I’m looking for a pardon just in case,” said Santos, facing multiple charges including wire and credit card fraud and having a disastrous fashion sense.

“Ditto,” said Menendez, on trial for bribery, corruption and tax fraud after listing Qatar and Egypt as dependents. His wife, Nadine, also faces bribery charges and Menendez hinted he will mount an “If-she-was-a-porn-star-I-might-get-away-with-it” defense.

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, R-Mongrel, was seen near the courthouse but said she had no interest in watching the trial because she assumes she’s no longer a candidate for vice president in a Trump administration. “I’m just on my way to the ASPCA,” she said, “to ‘adopt’ some puppies.”