Down … Heel … Blam!

By BRUCE LOWITT

Quick Quiz:

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem …

(a) has enhanced her chances of being named this year’s Republican vice presidential candidate with the publication of her forthcoming book: No Going Back.

(b) has diminished her chances of being named this year’s Republican vice presidential candidate because of critical and often negative views she expresses in her forthcoming book subtitled: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward.

Answer: Well, it depends on how Donald Trump feels about shooting puppies.

Noem, R-Feral, abandoned as an infant by her parents and raised by wolves who sheltered her in a dark corner of their cave in the Pelican Lake State Recreatiuon Area near Watertown, S.D., denied her killing of Cricket, a 14-month-old wirehair pointer, had anything to do with Ancestry’s results of research she sought into her DNA as well as the dog’s, and the possibility they might be related.

“As untrainable and aggressive as Cricket was around other people and how she chased away pheasants I was trying to shoot – funny, now that I think about it, I used to chase the geese and ducks in Pelican Lake when I was little,” Noem said.

“I told Beth Hollatz, my deputy chief of staff, how Cricket was less than worthless as a hunting dog. I’ve got to tell you, that bitch was totally out of control – just like Cricket. I never knew Beth was such a crazy animal lover.”

Noem, considered to be one of about half a dozen potential GOP vice presidential candidates, said she included the dog-shooting story in her book to show how ready she is to do what needs to be done in politics, no matter how “difficult, messy and ugly. … which also is why I think I’m the best choice to work with President Trump as his wingnut.”

Trump is one of only three presidents – James Polk and Andrew Johnson the others – who never had a pet while occupying the White House. And he never had a dog growing up in Brooklyn. “We don’t get along,” he said. “They’re just not loyal enough. Besides, I’ve always preferred pussies.”

And unlike Noem, a farmer and rancher familiar with guns, Trump was never a hunter, although he admitted, “I’ve shot a lot of beaver, mostly in Manhattan.”