Probably a bad outcome, hypothetically

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript, recorded by a U.S. Supreme Court clerk who provided it on condition of anonymity (okay, it was Crystal Clanton, Clarence Thomas’ law clerk), of a midnight meeting following Thursday’s hearing on former president Donald Trump’s immunity appeal:

Chief Justice John Roberts: “… think we handled that pretty well, considering Neil had to lead (Trump attorney John) Sauer like a guide dog to get him to bring up the whole hypothetical ‘private acts, official acts’ thing.”

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: “Pretty cool, especially since I had explain to him before the hearing that a president’s ‘private acts’ has nothing to do with porn stars.”

Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh: “So I assume ‘blanket immunity’ is what the whole Stormy and Karen thing in New York is all about …?”

Roberts: “Shut up, Brett.”

Mike Lindell: “What about duvet immunity? Or quilt immunity? Or bedspread …”

Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor: “Who let the My Pillow guy in here? Get out! Get out!”

(Sound of feet running. Door slams)

Roberts: “Okay, look. What we have to decide is whether …”

Associate Justice Samuel Alito: “Yeah, yeah. Whether Donald is free and clear to do whatever …”

Roberts: “C’mon, Sam. We already know that. It’s going to be six-three, maybe five-four depending on what Amy wants to do. Donald’s getting his immunity, right? No, the question is, how long do we put off our decision?”

Associate Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson: “Whoa! First of all, it could go five-four the other way, assuming you and Amy vote with the majority, John. And …”

Roberts: “Me?”

Jackson: “… or do you not care if certain television or cable stations get recordings of you giving the go-ahead to certain billionaires who want to give …”

Roberts: “Wait! Where did you get those?”

Jackson: “… and why the hell shouldn’t we announce our decision tomorrow? Or Monday at the latest? And we haven’t even discussed criminal liability.”

Roberts: “Those recordings …”

Jackson: “I’m not talking about that. If there’s no threat of criminal liability, future presidents will be emboldened to commit crimes, sort of like a fat orange former president.”

Alito: “Oh, I think if a president was thinking about using the office to, uh, do something illegal, I’m sure there’d be guys coming around to tell him something like, ‘Gee, this Resolute desk is really nice. Be a shame if something happened to it.’”

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas: “Nice Sonny Corleone impression, Sam. Look, this whole case is a very complicated matter about who’s going to be the next president.”

Associate Justice Elena Kagan: “Oh, come on! Ever heard of Bush v. Gore?”

Alito: “Fuck Bush!”

Thomas: “Oh, I do, Sammy.”

Kagan: Cut it out, you two. In Bush v. Gore they had to decide the next president and this court decided it one freaking day after oral arguments. This case shouldn’t take any … who’s giggling?”

Kavanaugh: “Sorry. I was just listening to a report on the hush-money trial and, oh, man, they keep talking about a pecker. Is it Donald’s?”

Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett: “Unplug your earpiece and pay attention, you schmuck!”

Kavanaugh: “Schmuck? Amy, I didn’t know you speak Jewish.”

Kagan: “Hey, Clarence, where’s Ginni? You’re usually sitting on her lap when we’re talking about Trump.”

Thomas: “I sent her out to get me some ham sandwiches. That business Sam brought up this afternoon about indicting a ham sandwich got my tummy rumbling …”

Jackson: “Listen, we’re supposed to be ruling on the insurrection and whether Trump’s immune from prosecution for … “

Alito: “What insurrection?”

Kagan: “Oh for …”

Jackson: “… and not a bunch of down-the-road hypotheticals, like Seal Team Six assassinations and make-believe crimes in the Oval …”

Gorsuch: “Forget that. Like I said, we’re writing a rule for the ages. Do you think Donald’s ever going to try and pull some shit like … Okay, scratch that. But the least we can do is make it look like we’re concerned about what we’re up to.”

Kagan: “So how long? A week or two?”

Roberts: “I was thinking more like July.”

Jackson: “July!”

Roberts: “Of 2025.”

Sotomayor: “Holy shit!”

Roberts: “So we’re all set?”

Thomas: “One more thing. When are we going to decide on my plans to ban contraceptives and homosexuality and anything else I can jam into the Comstock Act?”

Roberts: “Well, I’m free Tuesday. Everyone else? … Good. See you then.”

(Recording ends)