Do you solemnly swear…? So does he – a lot

By BRUCE LOWITT

The following are the questions that prospective New York jurors will be asked starting Monday in the first criminal trial against a former U.S. president. Each juror will be asked to answer the following 42 questions, with the following instructions: “Simply state the number of the question and answer each question, one after the other, in English. If you can’t answer the questions in English the defense will probably (a) excuse you and (b) deport you.”

1. What do you do for a living?

2. You call that a living?

3. Who is your current employer?

4. How large is your employer?

5. No, schmuck, not his or her height and weight.

6. What is your educational background?

7. No, Trump University does not count.

8. No, reading The Art of the Deal definitely does not count.

9. Are you married?

10. Jeez, who would marry you?

11. Do you have any children?

12. Jeez, who would have sex with you?

13. Really? That often?

14, How many children do you have? Please count only those you’re sure are yours.

15. What do you like to do in your spare time?

16. Besides that?

17. Do you have any interests or hobbies?

18. Ones that don’t involve infections?

19. Have you ever served on a jury before?

20. No, a school production of 12 Angry Men doesn’t count.

21. Which of the following do you read, visit or watch? New York Times. New York Post. New York Daily News. Wall Street Journal. Pravda. Izvestia. Hua Xia Wen Zhai. NPR. PBS. CNN. MSNBC. Fox News. InfoWARS. Star Wars. Truth Social. Truth Antisocial. Truth Bullshit. Tik Tok. Tic Tac Toe. Facebook. Assbook. Google. Giggle. Newsmax. Max von Sydow. Max Scherzer.

22. Do you listen to talk radio?

23. Do you talk back to talk radio?

24. Do you think the radio is actually talking just to you?

25. Have you, a relative or a close friend ever been the victim of a crime?

26. Have you, a relative or a close friend ever committed a crime?

27. Did you get away with it? How?

28. Have you, a relative or a close friend ever been employed by a law enforcement agency or a federal, state or local government?

29. How did you manage to pass the background check?

30. Have you ever been employed in the accounting or finance field?

31. If you were any good at it, why are you wearing a cardboard belt?

32. Have you, a relative or a close friend ever had any experience or interaction with a police officer or the criminal justice system that doesn’t involve sleeping with a cop or a parole officer?

33. Would that experience cause you to form an opinion, whether positive or negative, about the police or the criminal justice system you despise?

34. Have you ever been naked and spanked with a magazine by a porn star?

35. Do you have any political, moral, intellectual or religious beliefs which might slant your approach to this case?

36. Would you please stop laughing?

37. No really, can you cut it out?

38. Do you take any medication that would prevent you from being able to concentrate during the proceedings or deliberations?

39. What about that bag of Adderall in your pocket?

40. Have you ever considered yourself a supporter of or belonged to any of the following: The QAnon movement. Proud Boys. Oathkeepers. Three Percenters. Boogaloo Boys. Antifa. Boy Scouts. Girl Scouts. Cub Scouts. PETA. ACLU. Boeing. Spirit or Frontier Airlines. The Republican Party.

41. Have you, a relative or close friend ever worked for any company owned or run or bankrupted by Donald Trump or a member of his family, or worked or volunteered for a Trump presidential or king or emperor or pontiff or fuhrer campaign or for the Trump presidential administration or any political or brownshirt or klan entity affiliated with Donald Trump, or attended a rally or campaign or torch-bearing march or riot or insurrection for Donald Trump or filled in any coloring books by or about Donald Trump or seen any movies or cartoons or flash cards or television programs or cable shows or porn by or about Donald Trump?

42. Can you give us an assurance that you will be fair and impartial and not base your decision in this case upon a bias or prejudice in favor of or against any defendant in this trial on account of that person’s race, national origin, ancestry, gender, religion, sexual orientation, orange color, excessive weight, excessive hairspray, lathered facial makeup, tiny hands, narcissism, racism, misogyny, bigotry, xenophobia, or children named Eric?