In polls, Trump gets poled

By BRUCE LOWITT

With the presidential race now down to two candidates (plus a variety of independent and third-party entries), the latest Quinnipiac University poll of nationwide registered voters shows President Joe Biden leading former president Donald Trump by one-tenth of one percentage point, 50.05 to 49.95.

Among registered Democrats, Biden leads Trump 66 percent to 1.5 percent with Abe Simpson receiving 8 percent, Edward Cullen 7, Atticus Finch 5, Robert F. Kennedy 4.5, Jill Stein 3, Matilda Wormwood 2.5, Grandpa Joe 1.5 and Doc Brown 1.0.

Among registered Republicans, Trump leads Biden 57.3 percent to 0.5 percent, with INFOWARS founder Alex Jones receiving 9.2 percent, Viktor Orban 9.1, Benito Mussolini 5.5, Vladimir Putin 5.2, Kennedy 4.3, KKK Grand Wizard Thomas Robb 3.6, Stein 2.8 and Hannibal Lecter 2.5.

“I’m going win in November,” Trump exclaimed, “and this election is going to be a bloodbath!”

Among age groups, Trump leads Biden 97-3 percent among people age 3 and under while Biden leads Trump 100-0 among centenarians.

In education, Biden leads Trump 94-6 among people holding college degrees or higher and 96-4 among Trump University dropouts.

Among income levels, Trump trails Biden 98-2 among banks, credit unions, insurance companies, real estate conglomerates, loan sharks, billionaires, millionaires, thousandaires, hundredaires, and Eric.

In races, both Trump and Biden trail men and women who can finish a 100-meter dash in less than five minutes.

In sexual orientation, Trump leads Biden 57-43 among straight white males, Biden leads Trump 99-1 among ovulating females, Biden leads Trump by an average of 89-11 among gay, lesbian, bisexual, bicurious, biromatic, andro, pan, poly, spectra, and asexual humans, and Trump leads Biden 98-2 among incels, misogynists, sybarites, pedophiles, and zoophilias.

“Why should anyone believe any polls? They’re a waste of time and misleading as hell,” said George Santos, disgraced and expelled former New York congressman now running for Congress in a different district.

“Just because I’m trailing my so-called opponent by 85 points in some so-called polls doesn’t mean shit,” Santos added. “My own Fabulist-Incongruous Survey has me up by 116 points, which just proves I deserve to be incongruous.”