Whatever L J wants, L J gets

By BRUCE LOWITT

New York Attorney General Letitia James denied Thursday she is considering seizing Donald Trump’s assets if the former president is unable to secure the bond he needs to pay the $464-million in a fraud judgment against him by Monday.

“What I announced and was obviously misunderstood,” James said, “is that I’m going to seize his fat ass if he doesn’t come up with the cash. By that I mean I’ll put him in a Trump Tower janitor’s closet, lock the door, then wait for Jared to write a check big enough to spring him.

“I’ve got to admit, though, that I’d love to get my hands on Donnie’s gold toilet and take it for a test drive,” James added, “and by ‘hands’ I mean my own admittedly sizeable derriere. I might even invite (Manhattan District Attorney) Alvin Bragg over to put his, um, well, you know, on it for a, heh-heh, trial run. Or maybe for some target practice.”

James said seizing Trump’s assets – Trump Tower, Mar-a-Lago, 15 golf courses (12 in the United States), hotels in New York, Chicago and Las Vegas, and more – are not her first choice because “so many of them are leveraged up to his … Oh, jeez. What I mean is, we don’t want to have to hold a bunch of fire sales on his overvalued properties and pay off his shady lenders.”

Trump is said to be hiding out in an undisclosed men’s room in a New York court while he awaits a hearing Monday about discovery issues and possibly a new date for his hush-money trial.

At 3:45 p.m. Thursday he sent a message through his campaign communications director, Steven Cheung, saying: “First of all, I’ve never said anything about a fire sale. I would never say anything about a fire sale. I don’t even know what a fire sale is. And I had nothing to do with that fire on the 50^th floor of my well-built Trump Tower in 2018. Besides that, how do you burn down a golf course?”

An hour later Trump wrote on Truth Social, “If Stormy (Daniels) and Karen (McDougal) are still in the courthouse, tell them to check their texts for an important message and directions. I have to see them here this weekend.”

“And one more thing: PLASTIC TOILET SEATS?! THIS IS CRIMINAL!!!”