SCOTUS FUCTUS

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript, recorded by a U.S. Supreme Court clerk who provided it on condition of anonymity, of the conference in which the justices decided to hear former president Donald Trump’s immunity appeal:

Chief Justice John Roberts: “Now before we …”

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas: “Not guilty!”

Roberts: “Clarence, we haven’t even decided whether to hear Trump’s appeal.”

Thomas: “Oh, I thought we were talking about me.”

Associate Justice Elena Kagan: “Clarence, you’re so freaking guilty that your eyeballs look like dollar signs.”

Virginia Thomas: “Don’t let them talk to you like that, Sugar Bear.“

Thomas: Don’t call me that in public, Pookie.”

Roberts: “Damn, Ginni, how many times have I told you you’re not allowed in here with us? Get out!”

Virginia Thomas: “But Clarence said I could …”

(Sounds of a gavel, of growling, of footsteps, a door slams)

Roberts: “People, people. Look, we’ve sat on this thing for two and a half weeks and the populace is getting antsy. I say we’ve stalled enough already to get this thing on top of the election. So how many of you want to deny a writ of certiorari?”

Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh: “A what of what?”

Roberts: “They’re asking us to review a decision by a lower … Jesus, Brett, how did you even pass the bar?”

Kavanaugh: “Which one? I never went in Martin’s Tavern or the Dubliner but I never walked by the Old Ebbitt Grill without stopping in and …”

Roberts: “Shut up, Brett. Show of hands. Who thinks we should let stand the D.C. District Court’s decision and reject Trump’s … Okay. Elena, Sonia, Ketanji … That’s it?”

Associate Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson: “D.C. Got it right. Their decision was unanimous and bulletproof. This business about ordering Seal Team Six to kill …”

Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett: “Ooh, seals. When I used to take the kids to the aquarium …”

Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor: “John, when Jack Smith asked us in December to bypass the District Court and take the case, we said no. Now that they’ve ruled against Trump you want it?”

Roberts: “Part of the plan, Sonia. Delay, delay, delay. … Okay, everyone, so it’s three to deny, meaning it’s six to hear the appeal.”

Associate Justice Samuel Alito Jr.: “Fine. But do we have to hear it this term? I mean, couldn’t we put it off until, say, December? Y’know, without a trial by then, Trump’d be …”

Sotomayor: “You bastard! First of all, Sam, no, we can’t put things off like that. Second, if you kissed the ex-president’s ass any harder you’d be halfway up his colon and …”

Roberts: “Enough! The decision is to hear the appeal.”

Kagan: “Right, so we should get on this today, get both sides in here next week, maybe hear oral arguments …”

Thomas: “Heh-heh. Oral.”

Jackson: “Oh, stuff it, Clarence. I know you, and it’s not what you think.”

Kagan: “… hear oral arguments a few days after that and issue our opinion by St. Patrick’s Day.”

Alito: “Whoa, slow down, girl. We …”

Kagan: “Girl? Girl? Who the fuck …”

Alito: “Okay, don’t get your panties in a wad.”

Kagan: “I’ll show you panties in a wad, you motherf…”

(Sound of a body hitting the floor)

Roberts: “Okay, so now it’s five to three to hear the appeal with one unconsc- … one abstention.”

Gorsuch: “But we have to make sure we do everything by the book.”

Sotomayor: “By the book? This court took less than three weeks to rule against Richard Nixon. Why are you saying we have to …”

Gorsuch: “Because I can. And we can call it expediting the case. We’ll hear arguments between, um, March nineteenth and (Gorsuch counting to himself) April twenty-second.”

Sotomayor: “So then we issue our decision by the end of April? That should be enough to …”

Roberts: “Uh, actually, no. Our term ends the last week in June and we’ll probably hold off until …”

Jackson: “What?”

Thomas: “Well, I’m booked for most of May for my vacation with Harlan … err, Ginni in Switzerland, Norway and Germany.”

Barrett: “And we’re taking the kids to see the Eagles – the band, not the team – in England the first week of June, or maybe the second.”

Gorsuch: “And DeSantis has invited me and Marie Louise and the girls to a weekend at Disney World the middle of June. I haven’t been there since I was, like, six. And it’s right after Gay Days at Disney, so I think we’ll be safe.”

Roberts: “And I’m opening for Jim Gaffigan’s standup at the La Porte Civic Center in Indiana in May. Y’know, we went to the same high school there.”

Sotomayor: “Are you all crazy, scheduling shit like that when the most important …”

Thomas: “All part of the plan.”

Kagan: “But …”

Kavanaugh: “Relax. Here, have a bottle of my Sam Adams Utopia. Two hundred forty bucks a pop. Been saving a case of it for just such a moment, sweet cheeks.”

(Sound of glass shattering, unintelligible screaming)

(Recording ends)