Mitch ditches the bitches

By BRUCE LOWITT

At 4:29 p.m. Tuesday in the well of the Senate, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced he will step down in November as Republican leader “because I have decided …”

At 9:53 a.m. Wednesday, after a 17-hour, 24-minute pause, during which he stared blankly at a mostly empty chamber, McConnell completed his statement: “… I’ve had it with Trump, with his bitches in this building and, frankly, with this job. Like I need this shit at my age?”

McConnell, R-Catatonic, debuting his new Chelonoidis-shell suit from House of Galapagos, said he will retain his title until just after election day.

“I want to see just how far down the sewer my party will march with that fat narcissist leading the parade,” he said. “I have an idea I’ll be waving goodbye to (Ted) Cruz, (Marsha) Blackburn, (Josh) Hawley and a whole bunch of other morons after November fifth.”

McConnell’s current term ends in 2027. “I don’t know if I’ll be back in the Senate after that,” he said, “but the way things are going with Biden, heh-heh, I wouldn’t rule out a presidential run in ’28. We old guys sure are having a moment, heh-heh.”

At 82, McConnell is the third-oldest Senator, seven months younger than Bernie Sanders, I-Soup. Chuck Grassley, R-Crypt, is said to be 90 although carbon dating of him has proved inconclusive.

“Normally I’d say it’s not my time to cut back,” McConnell said, “but since Trump doesn’t know that he’s a bankrupt dead man walking and dragging a bunch of zombies along with him, I’ve decided it’s not worth trying to ride herd on these mindless bastards to save what’s left of the party.”

He declined to suggest who might succeed him but predicted that whoever it is “will find out it’s not easy keeping the hyenas at bay. Think about how Speaker Kevin McCarthy felt over in the House, selling bits and pieces of his soul to try and stay in control until they finally ripped the last bits of flesh from his carcass.”

Hawley, R-Jackal, who failed last year in an attempt to create a Senate version of the far right-wing House Freedom Caucus, was pleased to see McConnell relinquishing his leadership.

“The concussion he suffered when he had that spill a year ago sort of indicated it might be time for him to consider stepping aside,” Hawley said. “I guess I won’t have to be dropping banana peels around his office anymore.”