Immunity? Sure, but from what?

By BRUCE LOWITT

As a three-judge federal appeals court announced Tuesday that Donald Trump “could have immunity …” the former president bolted from the courtroom to claim victory, not waiting to hear the rest of their ruling: “… from rabies, measles, chicken pox, a relapse of syphilis or various other diseases, but not from prosecution.”

Flanked by two grade-school children standing in for their mother, attorney Alina Habba, outside the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, Trump shouted, “I told you I’d beat that deranged Jack Smith. I won! I won! I’m a dictator!” before the bearded special counsel whacked him in the back of the head with a rolled-up copy of the judges’ unanimous 57-page decision.

In the courtroom, Florence Pan and Michelle Childs, appointed to the bench by President Joe Biden, and Karen Henderson, a conservative George H.W. Bush appointee, cackled and high-fived each other. “Oh, jeez,” Childs said, “our pausing after ‘immunity,’ that was great. He took off so fast I thought he’d run out of his pants.”

The decision means Trump still faces the likelihood of a trial on a criminal indictment for attempting to subvert the 2020 election he lost to President Biden, although the probable Republican presidential nominee is expected to continue his appeal to the Supreme Court.

Whether it chooses to hear Trump’s appeal is open to question. Doing so could push the trial into or past the presidential election.

But a close friend of Virginia Thomas, wife of Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, said Wednesday, “Ginni told me she’s offering front-row seats at Trump’s appeal for $2,500 a pop because he’s guaranteeing ‘his guys’ will stall the whole thing” until Trump is back in office.

The Court of Appeals’ ruling “does not require Mr. Trump to get inoculated for any diseases,” Judge Henderson said as she passed the crowd of reporters on the courthouse steps following the decision, “but I wouldn’t shake Mr. Trump’s hand without wearing a double layer of latex gloves – and buddies or no buddies, I’d suggest to SCOTUS that they do the same.”

Dana Perino, political commentator and co-host of The Five on Fox News, then burst from the group of reporters, exclaiming, “Omigod, he once hugged me! Desert Herpes! Spattergroit! Donkey Fever! Cooties! … Augh! What do I do? What do I do?”