Mayorkas goes wire to wire

By BRUCE LOWITT

Homeland Security Secretary Alejando Mayorkas said Monday he has ordered the U.S. Border Patrol to surround the Texas Capitol and Gov. Greg Abbott’s home with concertina wire and to fill the mansion’s pool with a floating buoy barrier “in order to fulfill the United States Supreme Court’s wishes.”

Mayorkas said his decision, a response to Texas’ repeated draconian efforts to block immigrants from entering the state, had nothing to do with the Republican-controlled House Homeland Security Committee’s 18-15 party-line vote to approve two articles of impeachment against him for his handling of the nation’s southern border.

“Having my office investigate Texas’ committee members Michael McCaul, August Pfluger, Tony Gonzales and Morgan Luttrell over repeated allegations of narcotics smuggling, transnational gang activity, child exploitation, and human smuggling and trafficking, all of which fall under my purview, are totally independent of the issue I have with Gov. Abbott,” Mayorkas told a news conference. “No, seriously. I mean it. … Why are you laughing?”

The Texas National Guard and state troopers, defying a Supreme Court ruling by rolling out razor wire, continue to deny access by the Border Patrol to a park on the bank of the Rio Grande where thousands of migrants have crossed the river and enjoy mooning Abbott’s military force.

“If Texas politicians are so worried about Hispanics in their state,” Mayorkas said, “let’s see how the, uh, caucasian members of the legislature like being holed up in their capitol with Representatives Janie Lopez and Pete Flores.”

Proposed federal legislation to control the southern border, considered the most dramatic and potentially the most effective effort in decades, which just days ago appeared headed to the White House for President Joe Biden’s signature, suddenly stalled when former president and bandoliered border-crossing guard Donald Trump said, “It sucks.”

Mike Johnson, R-Superwuss, desperate to hold onto his House Speakership, added, “Not only does it suck; it blows. Also, it’s pessimal. It’s maleficent. And it’s excrementitious and nefandous. And it’s putrid and putid. How’s that? Strong enough? Or do you need me to look up more words in my thesaurus?”