GOP circles the firing squad

By BRUCE LOWITT

In their frenzy to hold accountable anyone who gets in the way of blocking their agenda, House Republicans voted Wednesday to impeach themselves and censure any GOP members who fail to support their goal of bringing a functioning government to a screeching halt.

“I’m bringing Speaker (Mike) Johnson up on charges of violating Section Three of the Fourteenth Amendment,” Rep. Chip Roy, R-Prickly Shrub, said, “for having given aid or comfort to the enemy, mainly working with that commie Chuck Schumer to reach a spending deal.”

Rep. Warren Davidson, R-Gerrymanderer, seconded Roy’s motion and tacked on a totally unrelated measure demanding that Marjorie Taylor Greene be impeached for showing photos of a naked Hunter Biden.

“You can’t impeach me,” Greene, R-Pornhub, howled. “How will I get people to pay attention to me if I’m not in Congress? And how will I make any money?”

As Greene’s wailing subsided, Rep. Jerry Nadler, D-Alta Cocker, told the assembled representatives he planned to show them naked pictures of Chuck Grassley, R-Prostate.

That forced a ninety-minute suspension of the House rules to allow some members to change pants they had soiled when Nadler issued his announcement.

When order was restored, Reps. Matt Gaetz, R-Pomade, and Jim Jordan, R-Abyss, launched an attack on Speaker Johnson, R-Vacillate, saying they would block every GOP-backed bill that might keep the federal government from collapsing under the weight of a total shutdown.

Gaetz also threatened to hammer Johnson with his gavel and impeach him “for his general pussiness and for trying to have prettier hair than me.”

When Republicans threatened to impeach Hunter Biden for failing to appear as demanded by a subpoena, Biden caught them off guard two weeks ago by showing up. On Wednesday, Nancy Mace, R-Castration, said she would file to impeach Hunter Biden for showing up.

Rep. Maria Elvira Salazar, R-Telemundo, then advised Mace that Hunter Biden can’t be impeached because he isn’t a member of Congress, at which point Mace said she would file to impeach Salazar.

“She can’t be a member of Congress! Salazar was born in Havana,” Mace shouted. Salazar, who was born in Miami’s “Little Havana” neighborhood, then asked Mace how she managed to graduate from The Citadel after failing history and geography and being court martialed for sleeping with superior officers.

“They weren’t superior. I was,” Mace yelled. “I knew way more positions and sex stuff than any of them.”