Ramaswamydungdone

By BRUCE LOWITT

Alleged Republican presidential candidate and professional scumbag Vivek Ramaswamy has ended what he called his “idiotic” spending of hundreds of thousands of dollars on his television campaign ads because “Everyone knows I don’t back pathetic losers and right now I’m one of the biggest.”

With just 18 days to go until the Iowa caucus, and just eight more days beyond that until the New Hampshire primary, Ramaswamy said, “showing off the obscenely expensive Stuart Hughes Diamond Edition suits and Alessandro Demesure alligator shoes I wear won’t be worth what it costs to put my stupid face on a bunch of backwater television stations watched by people who buy the shit they wear from Shein.”

Instead, the almost-but-not-quite billionaire entrepreneur said he will pay “whatever it takes” to buy the naming rights to the ASPCA, World Wildlife Fund, Friends of Animals, the Marine Mammal Center “and any other charities that I can put my name and face on and that Sarah McLachlan wants to sing about that’ll bring in the big bucks.”

Ramaswamy said with that, plus his plan to flood Hawkeye State and Granite State residents with e-mails, texts, robocalls, junk mail “and the leftover Halloween candy I couldn’t give away because security wouldn’t let kids near my front door,” he expects increased name recognition will pull him into a better competitive position in the GOP presidential polls than TV ads would.

As of Thursday, according to the Kreplach Political Survey, Ramaswamy trailed Chris Christie by one percentage point and was tied with scabies, syphilis, and dust bunnies.