Disorder in the Court

By BRUCE LOWITT

Transcript, recorded by a U.S. Supreme Court clerk who provided it on condition of anonymity, of the discussion by the justices on whether to immediately hear Special Counsel Jack Smith’s request to grant certiorari before judgment on former president Donald Trump’s claim of presidential immunity on charges of plotting to overturn the 2020 election:

Chief Justice John Roberts: “Special Counsel John L. Smith, prosecuting former president Donald J. Trump, has …”

Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett: “Yay, Trump. Woof, woof!”

Roberts: “Cool it, kid. Now Mr. Smith has filed a petition for a writ of certiorari seeking …”

Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh: “What’s that?”

Roberts: “What’s what?”

Kavanaugh: “Certo, um, Certri, uh …”

Roberts: Number one, it’s when a lawyer asks that we accept a case before a lower court has ruled. And number two, Brett, where the fuck did you go to law school?”

Associate Justice Clarence Thomas: “Not guilty!”

Roberts: “Clarence, we’re not to that point with the former president. There are trials that …”

Thomas: “Ginni says we don’t have to have trials.”

Associate Justice Katanji Brown Jackson: “Good Lord, Clarence. We have a Constitution. Do you even know what the Constitution is?”

Kavanaugh: “Ooh, I know, I know. In Boston Harbor, right? Big boat. Old Ironsides. Not far from the brewery where they make Samuel Adams, right? Hey, I know American history, I used to love that beer until it became a woke …”

Roberts: “Shut up, Brett. Now listen, people. Mr. Smith wants us to decide the immunity question so courts can quickly hold trials in the Washington case and another prosecution in Florida on the former president’s alleged crimes while in office before the campaigns for next year’s election get …”

Associate Justice Samuel Alito Jr.: “What crimes? I don’t remember hearing about …”

Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor: “Uh, the insurrection at the Capitol? The fake electors? Lying about voter fraud? Impeding the counting and certifying of votes? Hoarding classified documents in Mar-a-Lago he wasn’t allowed to have? Violating the Espionage Act?”

Alito Jr.: “Oh, them. Piffle. He was president and the president’s allowed to do whatever he …”

Associate Justice Elena Kagan: “Holy crap! Sam, Trump doesn’t want to become president again. He wants to become another Viktor Orban, another Kim Jong-un, another – another freaking Vladimir Putin!”

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: “Oh, don’t be such a pussy, Elena. I doubt …”

(Sound of crashing furniture)

Sotomayor: “You stupid son-of-a …”

(Sound of shattering glass)

Roberts: “Hey, everyone, just …”

(Sound of tearing fabric, running footsteps, Gorsuch squealing)

Roberts: “Okay, this meeting is over. And speaking for all of us, I’m denying Mr. Smith’s petition for a writ of cersi … of his writ of torso … Shit, Brett, now you’ve got me doing it.”

Kavanaugh: “Relax, John. We know what you mean, I think. Here, have a Budweiser on me.”

(Recording ends)