FSU: Formally Screwed University

By BRUCE LOWITT

Florida State University, deprived of a shot at a national championship despite its perfect 13-0 record, sued the College Football Playoff Selection Committee on Sunday, claiming the inclusion of one-loss teams Texas and Alabama among the four title contenders was capricious, felonious and, as Seminoles coach Mike Norvell put it, “to use a legal term, it sucks.”

Despite winning the Atlantic Coast Conference championship with a 16-6 victory over Louisville, The Associated Press’ fourth-ranked Seminoles were bypassed by the committee in favor of Michigan and Washington, each 13-0, plus Texas and fifth-ranked Alabama, each 12-1, in part because, as Selection Committee Chairman Eugene “Boo” Corrigan, North Carolina State athletic director, explained, “I hear (Alabama coach) Nick Saban has, um, pictures, which I’d prefer not to discuss.”

“Also,” Corrigan added, “FSU’s beaten my Wolfpack five of the last six times and 27 out of 43 overall and, besides, who the hell still has an Indian as a mascot in these days of political correctness?”

Florida State Athletic Director Michael Alford met Sunday with Shyster, Gonif LLC lawyers, who said in a statement they were suing the committee “on grounds of defamation of character, restraint of trade, the right to free play, the pursuit of happiness, presidential immunity, and anything else we can think of after we look through copies of our books by John Grisham and Scott Turow.”

Alford, reading from notes at a hastily called news conference, said the lawyers “told me to tell the committee, ‘Res ipsa loquitor,’ which they said is Latin for ‘Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.’ That pretty much sums up our position. No unbeaten Power Five conference champion had ever been left out of the playoffs until today.”

“And just because we were down to third-string quarterback Brock Glenn and beat Louisville with defense – seven sacks and an end-zone interception – instead of a flashy attack doesn’t mean we don’t belong,” Alford said. “Also, in 2014, sixth-ranked Ohio State was down to third-string quarterback Cardale Jones when it made the playoffs and the Buckeyes won the national championship.

“So unless the Selection Committee comes to its senses and changes its mind, FSU’s athletic department’s going to become very rich with the damages we win in court – which, come to think of it, might even be better than winning another stupid football game or two.”