Bordering on the Ridiculous

By BRUCE LOWITT

Republicans in Congress, insisting on linking support for Ukraine with stronger southern U.S. border security, have filed legislation to resolve the dispute by preventing Ukrainians from entering the United States and requiring other migrants to prove they are seeking asylum to avoid persecution.

“I say ‘Ukraine for Ukrainians, Mexico for Mexicans, everyone else for everywhere else and America for Americans,” said Sen. Tom Cotton, R-Xenophobe. “If Ukrainians or Mexicans want sanctuary here they should be required to produce a selfie with the Russian soldier or the member of the drug cartel who is trying to kill them. If they can’t, why should we believe them?”

Rep. Victoria Spartz, R-Toxic, demanded that Ukraine’s northern border should be shut down immediately to prevent migrants from sneaking into the United States. When Democratic House leader Hakeem Jeffries pointed out that “Ukraine and America are separated by a lot of countries and an ocean,” Spartz replied, “Not according to the map President Trump drew for me.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Kremlin, claimed that “Ukraine is not the 49^th st- … wait a minute … lemme see … Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, um, uhh … okay … Ukraine is not a United States state and shouldn’t be getting money that we should be using to destroy the Jewish space lasers Israel is using to shoot down Santa Claus.” She said she would be willing to support funding the war in Ukraine if Congress is “willing to make a swap: we get Ukraine and Russia gets California.”

One issue stalemating the talks: the birthright U.S. citizenship of children born in the United States to illegal immigrants. Rep. George Santos, R-Brasilia, proposed revising all their birth certificates to show they were born “anywhere south of the Rio Grande, eliminating the citizenship problem. I did it for myself yesterday, thanks to advice from my lawyer, to get off the hook for taxes and so-called crimes.”

Meanwhile, Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley proposed a border-problem compromise in which Ukrainians would be allowed to enter the United States “if they are willing to serve a two-year stint as border guards to keep out scum like Vivek Ramaswamy.”