Scott: No longer running for the wrong reason

By BRUCE LOWITT

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Senator Tim Scott announced he is suspending his presidential campaign, won’t endorse anyone else in the Republican primary race, and called for all the other candidates to quit as well and concentrate on winning the White House and maybe some Senate and House seats in 2028.

“After watching videotapes of our so-called debates, which I frankly would label kindergarten meltdowns, I realized that not one of us is presidential material,” Scott, R-Insipid, said. “If there was an office of United States Weasel, sure, I could see any of us running for it and winning. But the way the GOP is positioning itself these days and the way recent elections have gone, I’d say we’re royally screwed for next year.”

Scott said his decision to suspend his campaign – “and we all know that ‘suspend’ means ‘temporarily’ but really means ‘who are we kidding?’” – caught many of his campaign workers by surprise when they found themselves locked out of their West Des Moines Econolodge motel rooms.

David Steward, billionaire finance chairman of Trust in the Mission, the super PAC supporting Scott that pulled his political ads in October, said, “We decided we’d rather spend our money on a raving lunatic” and was hunting around for the phone numbers of RFK Jr. and Amaryllis Fox Kennedy, his campaign manager and daughter-in-law.

“I realize now that when I said almost a year ago that I’d heard the Lord speaking to my heart, that I believed He was telling me to run,” Scott said. “Turns out He told me last night He was speaking to me about my heart and that I should start running to knock off a few pounds. I know God moves in mysterious ways but maybe He could be a little less mysterious once in a while, dontcha think?”