Suddenly New England has a new look

By BRUCE LOWITT

The New England Patriots, staggering through their worst season in 23 years, fired head coach Bill Belichick and hired Jim Harbaugh after the University of Michigan coach quit the unbeaten and second-ranked Wolverines to escape the turmoil and possible punishment for the team’s sign-stealing scandal.

“We felt it was appropriate to change coaches at this time,” team owner Robert Kraft said. “I mean, we’ve been videotaping other teams’ signals for years. And given what Jim’s been involved with the past three years, we figure he’s a perfect fit here.”

The Patriots illegally videotaped the Cincinnati Bengals’ sideline during a 2019 game against the Cleveland Browns and in 2007 they illegally recorded the New York Jets defensive coaches’ signals. As a result of those “Spygates,” Belichick and the Pats were hit with a total of $1.85-million in fines.

Harbaugh was caught up in a scandal in which Connor Stalions, a UM football analyst that the head coach called “not even a quarter horse, more like a dobbin” and who has since resigned, bought tickets to more than 35 games at 17 stadiums during the past three seasons in order to film and steal the signs of Michigan’s upcoming opponents.

“We figure, what with this filming thing at Michigan, Jim wanted to get the hell out of Ann Arbor in a big hurry,” Kraft said. “And filming scandal or no filming scandal, half a dozen NFL teams were going to be looking at him to be their new head coach next year so we decided to beat them to the punch instead of waiting for retreads that other teams are going to fire, or college coaches without Jim’s, uh, cleverness.”

The Patriots’ hiring came just hours before the Big Ten Conference announced it was suspending Harbaugh for three games. “I guess they didn’t get the text I sent them,” he said, “the one I wrote saying, ‘Don’t bother guys. I’m outa here.’ My dad, Jack, he was my assistant head coach. Now he’s in charge. What’re they gonna do, suspend him? I’d like to see them try. He’ll be all over them like white on rice.”

The Patriots are 2-7 and in last place in the AFC East heading into Sunday’s “home game” against Indianapolis at Deutsche Bank Park in Frankfurt, Germany. Deutsche Bank, still pissed at all the money it lost on loans to Kraft’s pal, Donald Trump, plans to recoup a lot of it by laying one-billion deutsche marks ($540-million) on the Colts and giving the 1½ points.

The last time they were this bad this far into an NFL season was 2000, Belichick’s first year as their head coach, when they were 2-8 en route to finishing 5-11 and last in what was then a five-team division.They’re 27-32 without a playoff win since quarterback Tom Brady left after the 2019 season.

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Kraft said. “Belichick was our general manager as well as head coach but he’s drafted nothing but crap since Tom went to Tampa Bay and won his seventh Super Bowl.

“Jim said he doesn’t want both jobs so we’ll be bringing in a GM he can work with and if we tank the rest of the season – not that I would ever suggest we do that, mind you – but if we do I think we’ll have a shot at our next Brady, if you know what I mean,” Kraft said.

The Wolverines are a 4½-point favorite against ninth-ranked Penn State Saturday “and I hope we, I mean they, beat the Nittany Lions,” Harbaugh said. “I mean, I’d love to be around when we, I mean they, win the national championship. But if we, I mean they, don’t, that’s on me, not on them. … I mean that’s on them, not on me. I got us, I mean them, this far. I mean, you got that?”

Harbaugh, who coached the San Francisco 49ers during 2011-2014 before taking over at Michigan, could be barred by the NFL from taking the Patriots’ reins immediately.

“They’d better not if they know what’s good for them,” Kraft said. “I’ll sue their asses for restraint of trade or some shit like that. Besides, I have some film of (NFL Commissioner Roger) Goodell when he visited that Asian Day Spa in Flor … wait. Scratch that.”