Tuberville’s Behind: Behind Enemy Lines

By BRUCE LOWITT

Senate Republicans, angered over Tommy Tuberville’s blocking promotions of nearly four hundred military officers, voted Thursday to block his use of Capitol bathrooms.

Tuberville, R-Jock Itch, who nine months ago decided to hold up all military promotions and confirmations to protest a Pentagon policy on abortion travel, replied to his colleagues’ rage by saying, “I don’t give a shit – and I mean that literally – if you try to keep me out of the head, or off the can, or whatever you want to call it because I’m wearing rubber underwear. Been doing it for years.”

He said his objection to the government paying for travel when a service member has to go out of state for any reproductive care, a military policy put it place by President Joe Biden after the Supreme Court overturned the nationwide right to an abortion, has nothing to do with reports that his mother repeatedly told him she wished she’d listened to his father and never had him.

“Besides,” Tuberville snapped, “she was talking about Charlie,” his older brother, an Oklahoma musician who, in May, posted on Facebook that he wanted to distance himself from Tommy’s “ignorant, hateful rants” promoting “racial stereotypes, white nationalism and other various controversial topics.”

The singer, songwriter and guitarist has played with Leon Russell, Freddie King, Delbert McClinton, Johnny Winter, B.B. King and others in a career spanning decades. “Big deal,” Tommy said. “I don’t get that rockabilly or whatever that shit is. Did he ever win a Sugar Bowl? No! Bet he’s never groped a college cheerleader either.”

The first-term senator and former college football coach had said that if senators were willing to vote on nominees one by one, “I’m all in. I’m happy to do that.” But on Wednesday he objected, one-by-one over four hours, to sixty-one nominees “because why should they get promotions when they’ve never been elected to anything except maybe KP duty” and said he would continue to do so despite Defense Department claims that he is endangering national security.

Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Dazed and Confused, said Tuberville “must have been kicked in the head during his football-playing days in order to act the way he’s been acting. I’m going to convene a special committee to decide whether he’s guilty of treason and should be expelled from Congress – and if he doesn’t like it he can …”

McConnell then froze, staring into space as he has recently on several occasions.

Tuberville leaped to his feet and denied he was kicked in the head by University of Mississippi Chancellor Robert Khayat when he quit as the Rebels’ football coach in December 1998 to become Auburn’s head coach less than a week after telling Ole Miss players he’d never leave, saying, “They’ll have to carry me out in a pine box.” He also denied being kicked in the head by half the University of Cincinnati football team in December 2016 when he quit as head coach after the Bearcats’ 4-8 season.

Sen. Dan Sullivan, R-Tenhut, a colonel in the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve, said that if the stalemate results in officers leaving the military, Tuberville’s action will be remembered as a “national security suicide mission” and that he would personally frag Tuberville.

“Hey, hey,” Tuberville shouted, “I am not a frag!”

“No, you’re a moron as well as a coward,” Sullivan responded as senators burst into applause.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-Bottom Gun, who retired with the rank of colonel in the U.S. Air Force Reserves in 2015 after serving 33 years, said Tuberville should sue the military if he thinks its policy is illegal “and I’ve got just the lawyer for you, right, Bob?”

“Uh, I’m not taking on any new clients right now, but I know a guy who’d love to handle your case,” Sen. Bob Menendez, D-Felonies, replied, turning to Tuberville. “Here’s his card.”

“Santos? He’s a lawyer?” Tuberville asked.

“One of the best, I’m told,” Menendez said.

“… kiss my wrinkled Kentucky ass,” McConnell blurted out when he regained consciousness half an hour later, finishing his sentence, not realizing the Senate had moved on to talk about holding a Christmas party for underprivileged children.