Crossing Jordan: It’s getting easier

By BRUCE LOWITT

After failing three times to become speaker, Jim Jordan mounted an unsuccessful attempted coup to take control of the House of Representatives’ highest office by force Friday, leading an armed insurrection backed by Reps. Matt Gaetz, Lauren Boebert, Anna Paulina Luna, Scott Perry and other MAGA Republicans.

But Reps. Seth Moulton, D-Bronze Star; Jake Auchincloss, D-Tenhut; Jared Golden, D-Gyrene; Salud Carbajal, D-Jarhead, and Ruben Gallego, D-Leatherneck, all Marine veterans, foiled the plot.

Jordan, R-Gymrat, needing 217 votes to win the speakership, received 200 in the first ballot, 199 in the second go-round and 194 in the third.

The infamously jacketless legislator listened to suggestions that Rep. Patrick McHenry, R-McFort, the temporary speaker, be given additional powers for an extended time until a new successor to Rep. Kevin McCarthy, R-Nebbish, can be voted in. But McHenry balked at the idea.

“Goodness gracious!” the inexplicably bowtied congressman from somewhere in the south (according to his accent) replied when the offer was made. “Ain’t you noticed how McCarthy, Scalise and Jordan have been treated by the rest of these Republiclowns? I tell you, that dog won’t hunt. … In other words, nope.”

“I told you McHenry’s a pussy!” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Intifada, shrieked at Scalise. “Why didn’t you grab the mallet, whack that nerdy bonehead and declare Jimbo the winner when you had the chance, Steve?”

Before Scalise could reply, Jordan snarled, “I don’t like the way this is heading and I’m going to do something about it, something I should’ve done a long time ago.”

About an hour later, after a secret meeting with members of the Freedom Caucus, Jordan stormed back into the House wielding an AR-15 rifle and wearing a bullet-proof vest laden with 20-round magazines, and shouted at a stunned McHenry, “Give me the fucking gavel or there’ll be hell to pay!”

At that moment, Boebert, R-Menses, rushed the dais from a side entrance, screaming unintelligibly and firing a 9mm Glock pistol into the air, most of the bullets showering plaster and glass onto the desks under which some of the representatives were hiding.

Rep. Jamaal Bowman, R-Linebacker, who played college football, immediately flattened Boebert but not before taking a knee to the groin, raising his speaking voice by two octaves.

Meanwhile, Gaetz, R-Brylcreem, using three visiting cheerleaders from Hollywood High School in Florida as a shield, inched his way along an aisle, pausing occasionally to smack a Democrat with the butt of an M-1 rifle he stole from the Camp Gordon Johnston WWII Museum near the Florida Panhandle counties he represents.

When Reps. Paulina Luna, R-Aptlynamed, Perry, R-Shellshock, and Paul Gosar, R-Vladivostok, appeared at the rear of the House brandishing weapons including a mace and pole-axe, McHenry said he would call for another roll call vote and raised the gavel, which the dazed Boebert splintered with a burst of gunfire.

“You stupid bitch,” Jordan yelled. “Now how am I going to run this place without the big hammer?”

At that moment, the five Democratic Marine veterans, who had remained seated at their desks, burst into action, each one charging and disarming Jordan and four of his accomplices while Gaetz threw down his rifle, fleeing the chamber while screaming like a schoolgirl and hiding in the women’s restroom near the floor of the House until Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Donotfuckwithme, dragged him out by his greasy hair, permanently ruining a pair of her favorite white gloves.

“It was no problem stopping the uprising,” said Moulton, who served four tours in Iraq and led one of the first infantry platoons to enter Baghdad. “See, if you have a pencil or ballpoint pen, a belt, a keychain, a wallet, a shoelace, a cell phone and some bubble gum, anyone with a bit of training can handle an armed attacker.

“But these pussies?” Moulton started laughing so hard he nearly swallowed his gum. “We hardly needed any of that stuff.”

Rep. Marc Molinaro, R-Borschtbelt, then offered a resolution that Jordan “be required to wear a three-piece suit and an overcoat, and be prohibited from rolling up his sleeves any time he’s in the Capitol” as penance for prolonging the House’s inability to get anything done.

It passed 434-1.