As a matter of fact … uh, never mind

By BRUCE LOWITT

The Republicans simultaneously attempting to distance themselves from and suck up to former president Donald Trump held their second arm-waving, spittle-spraying debate in Ronald Reagan’s Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California, apparently just moments after Trump’s papier-mache model of Air Force One landed in the building.

Fox News host Dana Perino, Fox Business Network host Stuart Varney and Univision anchor Ilia Calderon ignored meaningful subjects as abortion, the potential government shutdown and Trump’s 91 felony charges, allowing the seven dwarfs, not one of whom was happy but most of whom were grumpy or dopey, to spend most of the evening shouting at each other and offering canned responses.

Nevertheless, we decided to fact-check a few of their statements:

“I’ve got to admit, I have been sleeping with a teacher for 38 years – full disclosure.” Mike Pence

We rated this “Mostly True With An Explanation.” It is true that the former vice president has been sleeping with Karen Pence since their marriage in 1985. However, when he is away from home, most notably when he is in a foreign country, Pence is known to sleep – albeit in separate beds – with lifesized photos of Taylor Swift, Hillary Duff, Megan Fox, Lillian Gish, Mary Pickford or, for some inexplicable reason, Danny DeVito.

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“Ron DeSantis is against fracking.” – Nikki Haley

We rated this “Confusing.” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, when questioned at a news conference during his last gubernatorial reelection campaign about his purported use of a public-relations firm to improve his image with voters, said, “I’m against flacking. I hate the idea of flacks to make yourself look better than you are, although heaven knows I could use a major makover. But professional flacking? No.” And in 2019, while standing in front of a Tampa strip joint frequented by prostitutes, DeSantis annouced, “I’m against frucking.”

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“We’re going to call you Donald Duck.” – Chris Christie

We rated him Porky Pig and his comment “Cringeworthy.”

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“The southwest border under President Joe Biden is unsafe, wide-open and should be moved to the northeast to keep Mexicans from crossing into the United States.” – Tim Scott

We rated this “Inaccurate and Bizarre.” The southwest border has never been “under” President Biden except for the times he visited El Paso. The southwest border is, in fact, under Texas, New Mexico, Arizona and California. Moving it adjacent to Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and New York would only inconvenience Mexicans who would have to travel to Canada in order to continue crossing into the United States.

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“We have reduced asylum abuse by 90%.” – Mike Pence

We rated this “Crazy.” Residents of Indiana still stand outside the Evansville Psychiatric Center, the Lawrenceburg Mental Health Center and other Indiana asylums and yell nasty things at them, and other Americans regularly hurl abuse at asylums from Bellevue in New York City to Seasons in Malibu, California.

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“They’re building cartel-financed tunnels underneath that wall. Semi trucks can drive through them.” – Vivek Ramaswamy

We rated this “Mostly True.” Mexican cartels have been driving 18-wheelers through tunnels into Arizona and New Mexico, mostly to deliver salsa macha, salsa roja, mole coloradito, mojo de ajo, pipian and pico de gallo to restaurants.

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“Hey, I’m over here. Hello? Anyone? I feel like I’m invisible.” – Doug Burgum

We rated this “Could not be more true.”