Cleaning House, and the Senate

By BRUCE LOWITT

The U.S. Supreme Court, jumping the gun on state attorneys general contemplating whether Donald Trump is ineligible to serve as president again, ruled against him and also threw all but three of the 535 members of Congress out of office for being “insurrectionists” or “morons” or “because we just don’t like them.”

In a 5-4 decision, with Chief Justice John Roberts voting with the majority and associate justices Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Amy Coney Barrett and Neil Gorsuch dissenting, the court ruled, as Roberts wrote in the majority opinion: “The American judicial system has enough to do without having to waste its time on four trials. The former president is obviously going to lose in court, the election and probably everything but his pants.”

“We have examined all the evidence the prosecutions will be be presenting,” Roberts wrote, “and have come to the conclusion that, as U.S. Justice Department Special Counsel Jack Smith, Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis and Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg jointly wrote to us, ‘Trump’s fucked six ways from Sunday.’ And as far as we’re concerned, all the other defendants are on their own.”

In an extraordinary interpretation of Section Three of the Fourteenth Amendment, which essentially says federal politicians who either try to overturn American democracy or don’t give a damn about their constituents are disqualified from serving, the court decided in a separate 8-1 ruling that Congress “deserves to have their ass handed to them so we’re cleaning house,” Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in the majority opinion.

The court, Sotomayor said, “is sick of getting pissed on for no damned reason,” has decided to flex its muscles and “do whatever the hell we feel like doing, even if it means dumping a lot of so-called legislators who thought we were their friends. In other words, we’re in charge now.”

In choosing to invoke “original jurisdiction”, taking a case without lower-court decisions, by hearing an appeal by temporary presidential “candidate” Asa Hutchinson, challenging Trump’s run for president in 2024, Roberts said, “We figured, ‘Why stop there?’ We looked at how Congress is running things, mainly into the ground, and decided we know better.”

The lone dissent came from Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, who sent a text from billionaire Harlen Crow’s vacation villa in Gstaad, Switzerland, saying, “It was tough getting approved by Congress the first time, what with all the lying I had to do, and I don’t want to start grooming a whole new group of sinkofants.”

The only members of Congress to escape the Supreme Court’s wrath were Rep. George Santos, R-Buffoon; Rep. Lauren Boebert, R-Ammo; and Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Soup.

“Santos couldn’t legislate his way out of a paper bag,” Alito said, “and it’s entertaining watching him twisting in the wind with all the crap he’s going through.”

Associate Justice Katanji Brown Jackson said the court left Boebert alone “because she scares us shitless with her gun talk, so we figured it’s best not to rile her up.”

As for Sanders, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh said, “He loves beer and in case you haven’t heard, so do I. Besides, we all agreed that Bernie’s just a funny guy.”