America’s Moron

By BRUCE LOWITT

Rudy Giuliani, on the cusp of losing his license to practice law after conceding that he made false and defamatory statements about Georgia election workers while he was acting as a lawyer for former President Donald Trump, announced he will run for reelection once again as mayor of New York City.

“My goal now,” he said, “is to regain the office that made me famous and maybe to make people forget what a complete schmuck I’ve become.”

Giuliani became known as “America’s Mayor” for his calming leadership in the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the World Trade Center. But he faded from view after leaving office, mounted a brief failed run for the presidency in 2008, then became one of Trump’s most loyal supporters in 2016, putting him on the road to disgrace and possible criminality.

“I’m going to owe a lot of people a lot of money after all this is over,” he said of defamation suits he faces for his statements, “and now an ethics committee in Washington is saying I should be disbarred.” In June 2021 a New York court suspended his license over his claims of election fraud, rigged voting machines and statements that led to the Jan. 6 Capitol riot.

The problem, he said, is that “I wasn’t a politician and wasn’t running for office. If I was, I could’ve said even worse and gotten away with it. I mean, have you heard Lauren Boebert and Jim Jordan and Marjorie Taylor Greene and Ron Johnson and Matt Gaetz and Ted Cruz and Elise Stefanik and Josh Hawley and – oh, hell. Do I have to read the whole GOP roster? Maybe I’m not as crazy as they are but I can still be a Republican politician again. There’s no easier way to rake in the cash. Just look at what that Santos guy is doing. Phew!”

Giuliani’s said he’s still developing his platform but that among other things it will include “simultaneously dealing with the homeless and much of the traffic problem by making all the avenues northbound and sending them to Albany; putting buoy barriers in the Hudson and East Rivers and deploying razor wire along the East River Drive and West Side Highway to keep out illegal immigrants; making FOX the New York City television station and giving it exclusive rights to broadcast on all digital boards in subways and on buses; turning Liberty Island into a casino with a Statue of Liberty arm on all slot machines; making Four Seasons Landscaping the official sponsor of the New Year’s Eve ball drop; and tearing down One World Trade Center and rebuilding the iconic Twin Towers.”

Giuliani said Bernie Kerik has agreed to be his running mate and has made overtures to Elliott Abrams and Anthony Weiner to join his administration because “they understand the legal system, how it works and what crazy shit you can and can’t get away with. You could look it up.”

Giuliani said his failed bid for the presidency taught him something, “like don’t get married three times and divorced twice. People held it against me. I don’t know how Trump got away with it. Maybe it’s because I also got divorced a third time and now I’m single. Trump’s only 83.3 percent of the way there.”