The Yankees: A ghost of a chance

By BRUCE LOWITT

Desperate to avoid a last-place finish for the first time in 33 years, the New York Yankees fired General Manager Brian Cashman and Manager Aaron Boone after the daughters of the late George Steinbrenner consulted with the spirit of their father.

Jennifer and Jessica Steinbrenner, general partners and vice chairpersons of the American League East franchise, replaced Cashman and Boone with the ghosts of Gabe Paul as GM and Billy Martin as field manager after spending two hours in crystal gazer Serena Stanley’s Mystic Psychic Garden, a midtown Manhattan apartment, conversing with The Boss, who died in 2010.

“Dad was so furious at what’s happened to our … sorry, to his team that when he started screaming he shattered a few of Serena’s crystals,” Jessica Steinbrenner said. “I mean, we won the World Series in 2009, he died the following July and we haven’t even been back to the World Series since then. Can you blame him for being pissed?”

When George Steinbrenner asked why his son Hal, managing general partner and co-chair of the Yankees, wasn’t at the meeting, Jennifer Steinbrenner said, “We sent him out to get us coffee and bagels, then left for the psychic and that’s where we decided to dump those guys.”

According to Serena Stanley, a professional clairvoyant for more than 30 years, “Mr. Steinbrenner asked me, ‘What in hell do I have to do to turn things around, come back and haunt the ballpark?’ That’s when the ladies came up with the changes and he applauded them, or whatever it is spirits do.”

Jessica Steinbrenner said she turned on her phone to record the conversation with her father but that when she listened to it “all I could hear was whooshing and what sounded like fire crackling. I don’t know, maybe he was roasting marshmallows? He really loved making them when we were kids.”

“But I took notes – I know shorthand – and here’s one thing he said about Cashman that I love: ‘I know I hired him right out of college and eventually made him GM but I would’ve fired that guy five times by now, just like Billy.’ Dad loved symmetry.”

George Steinbrenner, Jessica said, signed Catfish Hunter and Reggie Jackson, “and – wait a minute, I’ve got it here somewhere. … Here it is. Dad said, ‘I almost broke the bank for those two but they’re in the Hall of Fame. Cashman trades for Stanton, we pay him a hundred and sixty-something million and we’re on the hook for millions more, and for what?’ And … wait a second. Oh, here. Dad said, ‘Don’t even get me started on Donaldson and Hicks.’

“And … hold on,” Jessica Steinbrenner said. “Oh, he also said, ‘I would’ve had Ohtani by now.’ … Oh, and this. Dad said, ‘Bucky Dent. Hitting one huge home run in Boston didn’t make him a good manager and I fired his ass. Same thing with Boone. Another one-homer hero against the Red Sox.’ That’s when the psychic’s chakra beads caught fire.”

According to Serena Stanley, Gabe Paul said he was thrilled to be back in baseball as an executive for the first time in 39 years, the last 25 during which he’s been deceased – but that when he found out he was going to be reunited with Billy Martin, “Mr. Paul yelled, ‘Oy, not with that lunatic again!’

“And I couldn’t contact Martin,” the psychic said, “because Mr. Mantle told me the two of them had been out drinking and Mr. Martin was engaged in a bar fight with a Mr. Eddie Lee Whitson.”