Just another day in paradise

By BRUCE LOWITT

Florida celebrated its first Fourth of July holiday since a new law went into effect allowing people to carry guns pretty much anywhere in the state without a permit or training. It went rather well, considering …

Gov. Ron DeSantis, R-Autocrat, campaigning at a breakfast at Pensacola International Airport, fired several shots at a group of immigrants boarding a flight to Miami. None of them was injured because the “Burn the Books” signs being waved by supporters blocked his view of the plane. DeSantis claimed he was in fear for the life of his presidential campaign.

Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Irrelevant, attempted to turn back a Pizza Hut delivery man outside his office by firing several bullets through the glass in his door. The man was unhurt when he used the Backyard BBQ Chicken Pizza he was delivering as a shield. Rubio claimed he was in fear for the life of his ambivalence.

Sen. Rick Scott, R-Maduro, leaving a bank after making a withdrawal, attempted to shoot a masked man on the street. He missed his target due to the weight of the bullion that threw him off balance. The target was a nurse wearing an N-95 mask after leaving a hospital around the corner. Scott claimed he was in fear for the life of his investments.

A group of children setting off fireworks in a parking lot escaped injury when several state legislators partying on the third-floor balcony of a Tallahassee condominium fired a fusillade of bullets at them but were apparently too drunk to aim their guns and destroyed a dumpster instead. The legislators claimed they were in fear for the life of their insurance industry payoffs.

Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Tweens, fired a shot at a teenager speaking with a pack of Girl Scouts while the young man was buying boxes of Tagalongs and Samoas stacked on a table in front of a Target in Fort Lauderdale. Gaetz missed his target, the bullet blowing up a box of Do-si-dos. Gaetz claimed he was in fear for the life of his potential for future dates.

Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, R-Witchcraft, fired a shot at a Fedex deliveryman whom she couldn’t see clearly because he was mostly hidden by the cauldron he was carrying to her door in Seminole. The bullet ricocheted off the large metal pot and wounded a black cat in her driveway. Luna claimed she was in fear for the life of her coven.

Miami Mayor Francis Suarez, R-Hopeless, sneaking into a campaign rally being held by DeSantis near Orlando, tried to shoot the Florida governor’s white boots stored in the back of an SUV but was bumped as he pulled the trigger and shot the ears off a Mickey Mouse statue outside Disney World. Suarez claimed he was in fear for the life of his identity.